Lobby Duck

Am I back?

2008-11-29T19:17:00.007-06:00

Can you believe it? It's almost time for yet ANOTHER Session of the Texas Legislature. And, yes, I'm getting ready.

You'll note a change - I did away with my website and decided to go with the blog. I'm having to cut costs just like the rest of you. And, frankly, I had just as soon forget my adventures that occurred first session (the 79th) that I was a wet-behind-the ears lobbyist.

Whoo Hoo! Vacation Time!

2006-08-10T19:52:00.000-05:00

President Bush does it. Congress does it. Pink Lady does it. And even the Texas Legislature does it (but not often enough the past couple of years).

Sooner or later, everybody does it.

Now, it is Lobby Duck's turn. (The photo should be your first clue.) It's vacation time! This means at least one important thing to Lobby Duck. Beer.

See you right after Labor Day!

(If something important comes up, I'll try to find a computer or maybe one of my guest duck bloggers will check in. If not, for sure after Labor Day, we'll be back and ready to tackle the election and other fun stuff.)

It Ain't Braggin' If It's True

2006-08-09T07:36:00.000-05:00

All of you must know that I don't like to brag. Seriously. What lobbyist does? (Oh. Wait. That doesn't sound quite right.)

But, I just have to tell you. Recently, I had an awesome experience in San Francisco. I played golf at the Lake golf course at the Olympic Club. It was awesome. This is where important people play, if you know what I mean. And here I was, playing golf.

I tee off. And, uh oh. Let's just say, my game was nothing to brag about. In fact, it really sucked. What can I say? I obviously need more practice.

Lobby Duck's Believe It or Not!

2006-08-08T08:05:00.000-05:00

Only in California. (Or, Austin. According to my dad, Austin really lives in California, if you know what I mean.)

Ladies and gentlemen, in our first Lobby Duck's Believe It or Not!, I present an X-ray of a duck's stomach. And a dead duck's stomach at that. What?

When workers at the Bird Rescue Center in California reviewed the X-ray of this dead duck's stomach, they were shocked to see what appeared to be the head of an extraterrestrial alien. Now, you ask yourself, what is really weird about this? Why would they be making an X-ray of a dead duck's stomach? Seriously. Only in California.

"It looks like a tiny alien in his belly, that's about all I can say," spokeswoman Marie Travers said. "No Elvis sightings that I've heard of yet." Really? I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll see Elvis. Seriously.

As it turns out, when they looked into it (and I mean literally) turns out the alien image was mostly likely a lump of grain. Just a lump of grain? We don't need Mulder and Scully after all? Once again, proving that most things cannot be taken at face value. In life or in politics.

P.S. Thanks to Robyn over at Capitol Crowd for the tip on this story.

Beauty or the Beast?

2006-08-07T07:05:00.000-05:00

Baby girls. For Brangelina, Bennifer, and TomKat. And, it's no surprise to evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa.

In fact, good-looking parents are 36 percent more likely to give birth to a girl than less-attractive couples -- which also explains why women are, on average, better looking than men, argues Kanazawa, a professor at the London School of Economics and Political Science.

But why are beautiful people more likely to have girls? Kanazawa's explanation is way complicated. Let's just stick with my attempt to explain this. To continue the species, we must have, uh, let's refer to it as reproduction. And, given that it's a given men value physical attractiveness more than women do when looking for a mate, it's much better for the girls to have the good looks so that a man will chose her and reproduction will continue. Got it? (Yes, I know. Shallow of them, isn't it?)

Whatever. As I've noted before, I'm an only child and a girl. My parents didn't have the "son." Well guess what, Mom and Dad, it's because you are beautiful people. The next time your friends are bragging about their sons, just let them know how sad you are for them that they aren't as good looking as you are.

Yet Another Illegal Alien? Just Super, Man

2006-08-03T07:50:00.000-05:00

I was down on Congress Avenue for lunch yesterday. Have I mentioned it was really hot? Unreasonably hot, in fact. Maybe we should start taking this global-warming thing seriously.

Given the temperature, I was amazed to find protesters out at the South entrance to the Capitol. Of course, we all know that the Women in Black show up every Wednesday around noon. Hot or not. (Didn't their mothers tell them not to get out in the August sun dressed in black? Seriously.)

There were also a few guys protesting immigration. I thought this was old news. But, it seems they had just clued in that Superman is from another planet. You got it - you're way ahead of me here - making him (horrors) an illegal alien. And, this is protest-worthy. Even in the August heat.

When President Bush heard about it,he said, "What? We're getting illegal aliens crossing our borders from other planets? That's just super, man. Send in the National Guard!"

Ants, Bloggers, and Lobbyists

2006-08-02T07:58:00.000-05:00

Now this dude just simply doesn't have enough to occupy his time. Researcher Colby Tanner, a graduate student at the University of Utah, has found that ants are more aggressive when they think they're part of a larger group. In short, ants that think they are part of a gang are bad asses. I kid you not.

I guess the first obvious question is why would this guy chose this as a research project? I'm not advised.

The next question. How did this dude conduct this research? He kept one set of ants in an environment with a lot of other ants, where they were constantly bumping into each other. Let's call these the city ants. He put a second group of ants in a less populated area, where they had little contact with others. Why don't we refer to these as the country ants.

Then, the researcher had each set of ants fight enemy ants. Seriously. What happened? The country ants were hesitant to fight. However, the city ants were like, "Bring it on." Seems being in close proximity to all of the other ants made the city ants aggressive.

As a guy I used to work for said, "What's the take-away?" To tell you the truth, I don't know why the researcher wasted his time on this project. He could have just studied the behavior of lobbyists during the session.

Or, perhaps the real take-away here is that Mr. Tanner needs to get a life. Dude, become a blogger.

The Golf Game

2006-08-01T08:09:00.000-05:00

What does a lobbyist do during the interim? I'm asked that question by many people. (Even my family thinks I just sit on my tailfeathers during the interim.) Well, among other endeavors, I practice my golf game.

A really good lobbyist needs a really good golf game. And to have a really good golf game, you must practice.

Practice, practice, practice. What your mother told you is indeed correct. Practice makes perfect. Well, maybe the inverse is true. Without practice, you won't even be passable, much less perfect.

So, as not to totally embarrass myself, I practice whenever I can. Which is to say, not often enough.

What do I mean when I say "really good golf game?" Well, it's like this. You want to have a respectable score. But, you don't want to have a better score the the legislators with whom you are playing. A delicate balance for sure. Don't embarrass yourself and most certainly don't embarrass the legislator.

And, it should go without saying, that a lobbyist doesn't want to hit a Senator in the head with his golf ball. Dude, take it from me, this just wouldn't be the thing to do. Leave that to the Senator's staff.

P.S. I'll have more about golf later.

What the Mel?

2006-07-31T07:39:00.000-05:00

Okay. Okay. So, I know I'm like the last person on earth to notice that Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein are twins separated at birth.

I saw the photos of Mel after his DUI arrest made the news. And I went, "Oh my god." If it hadn't been for his arrest, I'd still be clueless. I mean, seriously, can you tell who is who? Be honest. (Hint - Saddam appears more normal.)

Anyway, Mel was apparently pissed that he got arrested. And he said a few things he'd later regret. I mean. Who'd have thought that this dude was anti-Semitic and sexist? I totally thought he was a religious person and all that. After all, he made that religious movie. Jesus Christ.

“I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable,” the actor-director said without elaborating.

That is to say he did the only honorable thing he could do. He blamed it on the devil.

P. S. And, yes, you are right. We are lazy here at Lobby Duck. Too lazy to come up with a better post for the day.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream

2006-07-27T07:57:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't enjoy a big, fat ice cream cone?

There's just one problem. The operative word describing the ice cream cone is "fat." Ice cream, good ice cream that is, is full of fat. It makes you fat. That's right. It really is that simple. Fat.

What if there could be really good ice cream that didn't make you fat? Well, lucky for you, there are new industrial processes which have allowed manufacturers to produce very creamy, dense, reduced-fat ice creams with fewer additives. Awesome. Totally awesome.

These new ice creams use what is referred to as an ice-structuring protein instead of fat. You know. Whatever. It won't make you fat.

Then you get to thinking. Ice-structuring protein? What the hell is that? Sounds harmless enough. Well, you're better off if you just don't ask. It somehow involves a protein cloned from the blood of an eel-like Arctic Ocean fish, the ocean pout.

I really don't know where to start with this. Seriously. Fish blood. And, cloned at that. Dude, a cloned ice cream cone? Where is that bill from last session to ban cloning?

Let Us Pray and Fast

2006-07-26T07:59:00.000-05:00

Public officials in my old home town of Lubbock are organizing a day to pray for rain. Mark your calendar for Sunday, July 30.

Mayor David Miller was quick to say "Nobody is going to tell God what to do and what not to do, but we are in a serious drought in West Texas and since he is the man who controls the rain clouds, we're asking him for his mercy and his help."

How dry is dry? Well, so far this year, Lubbock has received about half of its normal 10 inches. In the weeks since June 1, the growing season for cotton, rainfall has been less than an inch, far less than the normal 4 to 5 inches. People, this is a serious problem up there in the panhandle of this great state.

Did I mention that they are planning to fast as well? (That may be taking this whole thing just way too far. But, I guess whatever works for you.) Thank goodness there is no NASCAR this Sunday. Seriously, how could they watch the race without several cold ones? Especially in this heat.

Anyway, officials up in Lubbock have tried prayers before and say they were answered. In January 2004, after a year of drought, the city and county set aside a Sunday to pray for rain and got the second-wettest year since records have been kept. Like I said. Whatever works for you.

Blog Free, and Life is Worth Living

2006-07-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

Or, if you are in India, don't blog free. I read that blog websites in India have been blocked by the Indian government. This was prompted by the discovery of a Web site that contained "two impertinent pages."

Two impertinent pages? In the whole country? You've got to be kidding. That's all? Dude, what do these government officials think blogs are for anyway? Bloggers majored in impertinence.

But, these pages were supposedly rife with material containing "extremely derogatory references to Islam."

So, I guess you get the drift. That makes it different. Totally. In India, you can blog free, except when you can't.

All of us at Lobby Duck send our heartfelt condolences to the bloggers in India. Especially to our fellow blogger Manas Garg. This guy (yes, in India) actually has a link to Lobby Duck on his blog, giving us at Lobby Duck an international following. We wish you all the best.

I Hate Lance a Lot

2006-07-24T07:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know this is unAustin. Unamerican even. And, this will probably make me very unpopular. I'm so sick and tired of hearing about Lance Armstrong I could scream.

I thought to myself, "Thank goodness he's not in the Tour de France this year. I won't have to listen to the press go on and on and on."

Then, last week Lance was over in France. And I was so wrong. The news had to report about it. Oh, spare me, please. Then Lance has to explain that his line about the French World Cup soccer team testing positive “for being assholes” was a joke in a monologue, however weak. Who even heard him say that? Who even cares?

Now don't get me wrong. I admire what Lance has accomplished. But, please. Enough already about him, and about him and Sheryl Crow, and about him, and about his using/not using drugs, and about him.

And, he's so damn smug. When you look at him you just think, "This guy has asshole written all over him." You know what I mean? A little humility could go a long way for this guy.

I mentioned to a friend how much I hate Lance. And, that I really shouldn't even say this aloud. She just laughed and asked me to join the I Hate Lance a Lot Club she and some of her other friends had started. With any luck, maybe it's not too late for me to be a charter member.

Number 1 or Number 2? Dual Action

2006-07-19T19:20:00.000-05:00

I recently went to an open house in my neighborhood in Central Austin. The house for sale is new construction and a "green" home at that. (Before you even ask, yes, yes, it is a McMansion.) Of course, the builder took us around and proudly explained how wonderful all of the different "green" features are and why the house is selling for the equivalent of the GNP of a small country.

We get to the bathroom and I notice that the toilet has the flush button on the top of the tank. Odd. Then I notice it has not one, but two, flush buttons. I'm thinking that's rather interesting.

Then. Suddenly. I realize what's coming next. How is this guy going to explain this? How do I get myself into these awkward social situations? I'm thinking at this point, no he won't mention it.

No, looks like I'm wrong, and we are going to have to talk about it. The guy points out the two water saving flush buttons. The first button uses just under one gallon of water and is for situations where you don't need much water. I'm thinking oh my god. Then he says the second button uses about one and a half gallons of water. I'm thinking oh my god, is he really going to say it? Yes, he does. He says it's for situations when you need more water.

Really? And, what would those situations be I wonder? I just nod my head and mumble something about what will they think of next.

I got to thinking more about these toilets and figure they are expensive. So maybe, just maybe that's why the Speaker's new toilets run around $1,000.

Mr. "Think Big"

2006-07-19T08:15:00.000-05:00

Have you seen Chris Bell's new television ad? I caught it for the first time yesterday while I was eating dinner. I was so surprised, the spaghetti I was eating fell in my lap.

Apparently bigger is better. You already know that. Let me clarify. Thinking bigger is better. College. Business. Jobs. Children. Future as big as Texas. Watch the ad here.

After watching the ad, I kept thinking it reminded me of something. But, what? Finally, it hit me: Gulliver's Travels: A Voyage To Lilliput.

I can't help but wonder who thought up this idea?

See you on the Hike and Bike Trail. Tomorrow. Seriously. Promise.

2006-07-18T08:14:00.000-05:00

Once again ole L.D. has put on a few excess pounds. Given this is the interim (you know, between sessions), it is the time to shed this excessive poundage I picked up during the special session. There is just no easy way to accomplish this goal.

But, let me tell you. Extra pounds on a duck are just not a pretty sight. I must get my act together. And soon.

I have time to exercise. Really I do. Seriously. I do. Promise.

I don't have to take people out to eat at expensive (and fattening) restaurants as often either.

People, this would be the time. Exercise more, eat less. Awesome idea, no? So what's the problem? It is way too hot. That's it. My excuse. The truth? I'm lazy. That's it. Totally lazy. I admit it.

It is so much easier to sit back on my tailfeathers and drink a cold beer. Easier AND more fun. I don't have to tell you.

Here I am running the hike and bike trail last regular session. I've got to get myself back to it. See you out there tomorrow. Seriously. Promise.

What the World Needs Now

2006-07-17T08:14:00.000-05:00

The world is a mess. In fact, the whole world could take some lessons from our great country.

Take the Middle East. What the hell? Lebanon striking Israel. Israel striking back. Or whatever is happening. I'm not going to pretend I understand it. But, one thing is quite clear to this duck: these people just can't seem to play well together in the sand box. Well, I have idea. We, the great U.S. of A., should go over there and kick some butt. You know, take our guns over there and help them get along better.

The Russian government is supposedly restricting what the press can report. Would we do that in this country? Nope. Our system is much better. Freedom of the press. The American way. And, what if the press reports something the government doesn't like? Well, government officials talk about what poor excuses for Americans they are and how they are supporting the terrorists. But, they can report whatever they want.

And, the Chinese government is restricting the availability of the internet in China. This just isn't the American way. No sir. Here, you can surf the internet at will. And call whomever you want on the phone. No restrictions. The government just tracks the websites you view and the calls you make. As somebody once said, "Trust but verify." You certainly have the right to do whatever you want.

Ours is a great country. We can help make other countries great.

The Incredible Shrinking Celebrities

2006-07-13T07:32:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed how Hollywood is shrinking? The celebrities, I mean. Given everything, I know this probably isn't the most important issue out there. But, as a school teacher, I see young girls wanting to be just like the stars. Thin equals glamorous and sexy.

"More and more celebrities are losing weight very quickly," said Us Weekly editor Caroline Schaefer. "Kate Bosworth, Ellen Pompeo, Keira Knightley. The list goes on. Stars are just getting smaller and smaller."

Look at Keira. You can see her ribs. Ay dios mio. What kind of role model is this? I'm thinking, "Does she eat?" Apparently the answer is, "No, not really."

To get as skinny as some of these stars, you would have to eat less than 1,000 calories a day. In case you were wondering how much food this would be, check out the daily diet of a woman who consumes just 600 calories a day:

Breakfast: One container yogurt, bowl of blueberries
Lunch: One energy bar
Dinner: Can of water-packed tuna

Well, let's be careful not to eat too much there. Maybe you should go with just half the can of tuna. (Okay, for those of you who don't get sarcasm, the last two sentences are sarcasm.) Oh, and are you going to eat the WHOLE energy bar?

Seriously, look at the photo of Sheila that I manipulated to make her look really thin. Is this attractive? Sexy? Glamorous? No. Again, that's a NO. Not to mention the experience of dating a woman who eats a half a can of tuna for dinner. Where do you go for a dinner date? Or worse, what about a woman who eats and then purges in the ladies' room? Now that's a fun date. (Sarcasm, again.) And, then she asks, "Does my ass look big in these jeans?" Ay dios mio.

No, real men aren't looking for this drama. Eat properly. Exercise. You know what they say up in Dallas, "You can't be too rich or too thin." Maybe they are half right. Maybe you can't be too rich.

The Lazy Duck's Way Out

2006-07-12T07:40:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, I'm bored. It's too hot. I'm lazy. The guest-duck bloggers are lazy. Sheila's cats are really lazy. (Now there's a surprise.)

I'm daydreaming about a trip to the beach.

So nobody wants to post to the blog today. Once again, we're taking the lazy duck's way out.

Check out this rubber duck dance.

Dude, Who's Your Grandma?

2006-07-11T08:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I hear the news from Austin yesterday is that your grandma isn't Carole Keeton Strayhorn. I'm sure you saw that the Secretary of State ruled on Carole's request to be Grandma on the November gubernatorial ballot and on Kinky's request to be, well, Kinky.

Kinky gets to be Kinky.

Grandma gets to be Carole.

Living out here in Lubbock, all of this political bull is really a mystery to me. (I just don't know how L.D. does that lobbying gig.)

I mean, here you have a woman who wants to be called "Grandma" by everybody. Now most women I know who are of a certain age tend to fudge a little when counting up their birthdays. They are not that exact anymore, if you know what I mean. And even if they are grandmothers, they want to be called something a little less old sounding. You know what I mean? But, here you've got Carole saying, "I'm old. I admit it. Bring it on, call me Grandma."

Well, Mr. SOS-Dude, you totally missed your opportunity to call a woman old. Even worse, you missed an opportunity to call her "tough." How often to you get to point out that a woman is a tough, old broad without being politically incorrect?

And now Grandma is suing your butt. I'm just going to sit up here in Lubbock and watch. It's better than anything they're running down at the picture show.

TFB: Mocha Walnut Cookies Are Just Not What They Used to Be

2006-07-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite bakeries/coffee shops is Texas French Bread. Yes, I know it has "French" in the name. Get over it already.

TFB makes one of my favorite cookies: the mocha walnut. These are perfect.

Rather, they WERE perfect. "What happened?" you ask.

Well, the immigration issue hits home for me. In short, about a month ago an immigration raid resulted in the deportation of five of TFB's employees. Turns out they were the bakers. An integral part of the bakery aspect of Texas French Bread.

For days, they didn't even have the mocha walnut cookies. I guess no U. S. citizen or otherwise-documented worker could figure out how to bake them. Then last week, the cookies appeared. But, they just aren't the same. One day, too crisp. Burnt around the edges the next. And so on.

What's a rubber duck to do? Well, Ms. Hippie Duck here started thinking more about the whole immigration issue. In fact, yesterday The NYT has a long article, The Immigration Equation. To paraphrase: The heart of a national debate is evidenced by two very different immigration bills: one, passed by the House of Representatives, which would toughen laws against undocumented workers and probably force many of them to leave the country; and one in the Senate, a measure that would let most of them stay.

Here's what I get out of all of this. Support the House Bill: TFB on the mocha walnut cookies. Support the Senate Bill: Maybe enjoy a moist, perfectly baked mocha walnut cookie.

Technical Difficulties in the Technology Age

2006-07-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Where was L.D. last Friday? Well, we had some technical difficulties. Read: my internet service provider was not providing service to me.

(Now, of course, this begs the question: Where were the guest-duck bloggers? That is a different story. And, besides, I had agreed to do the post for Friday.)

Anyway, back to the internet no-service provider. Thursday night, I was surfing the internet, and it just quit. Just like that. I wait a while thinking, oh well, what the hell. Still doesn't work. I call them. It's midnight by now. They decide they need to make a service call. The dude comes out Friday a.m. And, lo and behold, it's MY COMPUTER problem.

To make a long, sad, frustrating story a short, sad, frustrating story - it wasn't my computer at all. In fact they don't know what it was. Wait, it was a miracle. I was talking to a supervisor late Friday and Ta-Daa! They were back in the business of providing internet service to Lobby Duck.

Bill Frist: Don't Let Anything Stand in the Way of Your Career

2006-07-06T08:30:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Sheila's other cat. I'm a big, good-natured tabby. I'm generally easy-going and somewhat quiet. But, when I heard about this human, Bill Frist, I just had to speak up.

To say this human doesn't like cats would be an understatement of huge proportion. He lied to shelters and selected homeless cats to experiment on. He killed cats to succeed in medical school. And, he admits it. Unbelievable. He has even written a book about it, Transplant.

In this human's own words, "By night, I was Dr. William Harrison Frist, future cardiothoracic surgeon, who was not going to let a few sentiments about cute, furry little creatures stand in the way of his career." And, he goes on, "I lost my supply of cats. I only had six weeks to complete my project before I resumed my clinical rotations. Desperate, obessed with my work, I visited the various animal shelters in the Boston suburbs, collecting cats . . . it was a heinous and dishonest thing to do."

And to think, the people of Tennessee selected him to represent them in the U.S. Senate, whatever that really means. I mean, would you want a cat killer representing you? (But after all, it is Tennessee we're talking about here.)

There is talk that he is wanting to be selected to be something even better, like President. I'm not so sure I understand how that would work. What would he do to get elected? He has already shown wanton disregard for poor, homeless cats who were just looking for a warm lap, some food, and a little love. All this just to get out of medical school. What do you think he'd do to become President of the United States?

I can just hear it now, "By night, I was Senator William Harrison Frist, future President of the United States, who was not going to let a few sentiments about cute, little creatures stand in the way of his career." And, he goes on, "I was behind in the polls. I only had six weeks before the election. Desperate, obessed with becoming President, I visited the various daycare facilities across the country, collecting children and promising not to experiment on them if their parents voted for me . . . it was a heinous and dishonest thing to do."

I guess I'll never understand some humans.

(Of course, I don't really understand some cats either. Check out this one at www.conservativecat.com. How could any cat in his right mind be conservative?)

(And, thanks to Capitol Annex for bringing this story about this dreadful human to my attention.)

Putting the GOd back in GOVERNMENT

2006-07-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Now, being a layperson with little experience actually working or playing at the capitol, I must accept others' visions of what the whole Texas capitol experience entails.

But, I do know one thing. The prevailing view of our fair capitol is that it is essentially a den of iniquity in which a few truly good people try to overcome the prevailing and rather pervasive silliness and general evil of the other 95% who work there.

No offense to anyone, I guess you know into which category you fall.

For instance, if you've ever had more than two drinks that included some form of hard liquor in your capitol office pondering the bosom of the office bunny intern who you hired to "answer the phones" while your wife and newborn baby are sitting at home and the roast is getting cold -- well, again, you know who you are.

So, I am heartened that these truly good people (from here on out referred to as the "Five Percenters") have formed a haven of spirituality and morality in the midst of all that craven behavior.

Have you heard of www.aroundtherotunda.com?

If not, I recommend you visit the website and check out some of their offerings.

This from their website:

Our belief is that the God who created the heavens and the earth…who accounts for every drop in the ocean and every hair on our heads…is not only a majestic, all-powerful and all-knowing God…but a God who takes a personal interest in the lives He has created.

Some observations:

First, I would rather God would take a more personal interest in my life, because I could use the help. In my experience, he has not shown the level of concern that I would prefer.

Second, this group actually says you will be welcomed despite your party affiliation, thereby making them the only people in the capitol that will still speak to a Democrat.

Third, I don't really get why some of these groups are gender-biased. Some are for "ladies and some are for men? Why? Where I come from, we hook up at church.

Fourth, some of the classes are really, really early. This one, for example:

A women's study on the Books of Proverbs for ladies in the Capitol Complex on Friday mornings at 7 a.m. in Rep. Chisum's office.

I can't go anyway since they aren't accepting men, but 7 a.m. is really pushing it. I'm a Catholic. We prefer our faith at a reasonable hour and make it snappy, you know?

Nevertheless, an excellent pursuit and my hearty kudos to the folks at www.aroundtherotunda.com.

I may just drop by and visit sometime.

I'll be the half-asleep Hispanic rubber duck at the table pondering Leviticus.

-FD

Happy 4th of July!

2006-07-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

Is Your A/C Making You Fat?

2006-07-03T08:37:00.000-05:00

Why are we so fat?

A team of US public-health experts have studied the issue and reported their findings in the Journal of Obesity. (You know, "experts" have to study everything.)

They caution against blaming what they call the "Big Two" -- a slower lifestyle and modern food marketing. In words that you will understand -- sitting on your fat ass and eating supersized-fast-food meals.

They have found several other factors that may make you fat. Thank goodness. I couldn't possibly be responsible for my jeans being a little to tight.

First, they note that giving up smoking often causes people to gain weight. Now, that can't possibly be your fault, can it? After all, you substituted one habit that was very bad for your health for another - eating too much.

Then there's the old-industrial-chemicals-called-endocrine-disruptors-that-disturb-metabolism excuse. These chemicals encourage the formation of fat. Yeah, McDonald's french fries will do that.

And, you'll love this one. Fat people marry other fat people. These individuals may be genetically vulnerable to obesity and pass that on to their children. Yet one more thing to blame on your parents while you are downing mocha lattes like they were going out of style.

Another hypothesis is that lack of sleep jolts the metabolic system into demanding doses of instant energy. It's not like we're getting less sleep because we are exercising more. But, I can almost buy into this one. A big dose of dark chocolate and a Coke will go a long way to keeping me awake in a dull meeting. After all, it's not my fault that the meeting is so boring.

Then there's my personal favorite. Air conditioning. Yes, you read that right. Your air conditioning is making you fat. Why is this? Because A/C establishes a comfortable temperature zone. In temperatures above this zone, people eat less. The rise in number of air-conditioned homes in the United States virtually mirrors the increase in the US obesity rate.

I'm going to write a new diet book. No exercise is needed. Eat anything and everything you want. Fries. Chocolate. Hamburgers. Cookies. You name it, you can have it. First, just turn off your A/C. The Austin summer will do the rest.

We Don't Need No Stinking Sibling Rivalry

2006-07-03T07:01:00.000-05:00

If you're an only child like me, the prospect of reading the cover article in the new Time magazine fills you with both hope and dread.

On the one hand, you're thinking "oh, here we go again. Ignore the one and onlies. Sibling, sibling, sibling, blah blah blah!"

Articles like this never devote any time to the type of children who were so perfect when they emerged from the womb that their parents couldn't possibly ever think of having another one (what do we do with it if the next one sucks?).

Or, if we are hopeful enough to think they might include a few lines about only children in the article, it's some tiny mention in which their so-called "PhD's" try to make us out to be self-absorbed control freaks.

Please.

Sometimes, while I'm in the grocery line trying to blot out the fact that the bagger just plopped the kitty litter on top of my fresh extra-large Grade A's (is there a Grade B egg?), I flip through those "Your Birth Order and What it Means to Your Life" supermarket pamphlets. But, what for?

All I get is a cursory mini-chapter on only children that reads like the FBI profile of a serial killer.

I paraphrase: "Only children can exhibit isolated tendencies, preferring their own company or the company of adults, may be overachievers yet uncomfortable and generally nervous with success and awkward in interpersonal relationships."

Thanks.

Excuse me for spending my formative years reading, thinking deep thoughts and enjoying polite adult conversation over cocktails when apparently I should have been setting my sister's Barbie on fire for a cheap laugh.

-SD

Flip-Flop: The Mood of a Woman

2006-06-30T07:31:00.000-05:00

Do you wear flip-flops? To the office? You might want to check this out.

Reuters reports that wearing flip-flops could be harmful to your career AND your feet.

"Shoes convey the mood of a woman. Wearing flip-flops conveys the mood that you are relaxed and on vacation. That's not a good message in the office," said Meghan Cleary, a style commentator who wrote the book "The Perfect Fit: What Your Shoes Say About You."

Well, all I can say is Ms. Cleary clearly doesn't live in Texas. Does she realize how HOT it gets here?

The report goes on about how doctors say flip-flops can hurt your feet. I don't know about that, but I do know they can make your feet hurt. Have you tried walking 3 or 4 blocks in these shoes? Well, you know what? These flip-flops aren't made for walking. Nobody but nobody really thinks these shoes were made for walking, do they?

And, seriously. Does anybody walk anywhere in these Texas summers anyway? No. Of course not. Did I mention how HOT it gets here?

So, all things considered, I must disagree with this news report (and if this is the news, is it a slow-news day or what?). Texas women should get a free pass on this one. Just watch my good mood flip-flop when I get out in the Texas heat in pantyhose and high-heeled pumps.

Go for "Broken Trail"

2006-06-29T07:31:00.000-05:00

Did you watch AMC's Broken Trail? Well, if you didn't, looks like you were just about the only one in America who didn't. It was number one in the television ratings Sunday night. Americans, and especially those of us who live in Texas (and especially those of us who live in west Texas and the Panhandle), enjoy a good western. And, I think Robert Duvall is one of the most awesome actors ever. Especially in westerns.

But, it wasn't just us normal old Americans who liked this movie. No sir. Mr. Duval watched the movie at The White House on June 11 with President Bush. After watching it, the President came out and said, "Let me be straight with you here - I give it a thumbs up. This was no light-in-the-cowboy-boots western like that Brokeback Mountain. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Once again, I'm proud to say I agree with and stand behind our President. I haven't seen THAT movie either.

(You know that my brother, L.D., keeps refering to me as Dumb Ass Duck and I'm just not sure why. I think I'm smarter than the average duck. The fact that I see eye-to-eye with our President on so many important issues should be proof enough of my intelligence level.)

They Must Be Baptist

2006-06-28T07:54:00.000-05:00

The Travis County Commissioners passed a new rule yesterday. In short, it says that you can drink alcohol in Travis County parks, but only if it looks like you are drinking something other than alcohol. Got it? (I kid you not.)

Here is the text of the new rule:
Public Consumption – Public display of the consumption of alcoholic beverages is prohibited. Sale of alcoholic beverages is prohibited in any park. Intoxicated persons will not be allowed in the parks. Visitors who become intoxicated will be removed from the parks. Alcoholic beverages are prohibited at youth events.

Apparently, you can drink a beer. But only if it is poured in a paper cup or an empty Coke can or other container in disguise. I'm wondering if a frosty mug would be acceptable.

So the lesson here is you can do something wrong as long as it doesn't look like you are doing something wrong. (Uh-oh, the Baptist Church just called - it wants its dogma back.)

The County believes a ban of alcohol containers will prevent an increase in alcohol-related crimes. Yet another example of our fine public servants making decisions to protect all of us.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for reducing crime. But, will alcohol consumed in an unmarked container make you any less inebriated? Are the alcohol containers really causing such a ruckus in our county parks?

I think I'm having flashbacks to high school. Quick, get me a beer.

Come on Comcast, Cut the Cable Guy Some Slack

2006-06-27T08:02:00.000-05:00

According to the New York Times, two weeks ago, a Comcast repairman in Washington fell asleep in a customer's home.

The customer, Brian Finkelstein, a student at Georgetown Law School, shot a video of the repairman sacked out in his couch. (This dude was totally born to be a lawyer, don't you think?) He posted his home video tape on a blog. You can watch it at www.youtube.com.

Mr. Finkelstein reports that after he posted the video, he got a call from a regional vice president at Comcast and, a day later, "a team of Comcast guys" worked for five hours to fix his Internet connection. A team of guys? For five hours? No wonder these guys need a nap. If it took much longer than that, they would expect the customer to fix them dinner and let them spend the night.

As you might guess, the sleepy repairman got fired. in fairness to the poor cable guy, it is worth noting that he fell asleep while he was waiting on hold for more than an hour to get through to the cable company's repair office on the telephone.

Come on Comcast. Cut this cable guy some slack. Seriously, can you blame the dude for catching a few zzzzzzzzs while he was waiting for your repair office to get off its ass? Looks to me like Comcast fired the wrong cable guy.

Name that Candidate on the Ballot!

2006-06-26T07:58:00.000-05:00

I am quite amused by the controversy surrounding the manner in which the names of independent candidates for Governor appear on the November ballot.

Kinky and Grandma have requested that the Secretary of State allow them to use their nicknames on the ballot.

Let's take "Kinky" first. You know who I'm talking about. Immediately. Did you even realize he had another name? Well, he does. It's Richard. Now this guy is not a "Richard." Maybe a "Dick." But, that rhymes with "Rick" and that one is already taken. So, it would probably confuse most voters. Everybody refers to him as "Kinky," so Kinky it is.

Now, let's take "Grandma." As in "One Tough Grandma," not your grandmother. Her grandchildren most certainly call her "Grandma" or some other endearing term that originates with "grandmother." But, seriously, who else calls her Grandma? You know, I can't help but wonder if her employees refer to her as "Grandma."

There are many familiar nicknames for grandmothers, including Grandma, Gramma, Grams, Gram, Granny, Gi-Gi, Na-Na, Maa Maw, Mee Mee, Mee Maw, and Maw Maw. Some more attractive than others I might add. "Grandma" is not the best or the worst.

Well, anyway, "Grandma" brings to mind scenes from my childhood of all the old ladies who wore hats to church. Is this the image she's wanting?

I think that the Secretary of State should poll her grandchildren and her employees to learn how they really address her. I suggest we use the most popular nickname on the ballot come November.

The Devil Made Him Lose It

2006-06-24T09:05:00.000-05:00

Talk about news of the weird.

Republican congressional hopeful John Jacob of Utah is accusing the devil of trying to sabotage his campaign to beat incumbent Representative Chris Cannon.

What? The devil may care?

Well, Mr. Jacob seems to suffer the illusion that the devil has prevented his business from doing well and thus he hasn't be able to contribute as much money to the campaign as he had planned.

"There's another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington, D.C.," Jacob said. "It's the devil is what it is. I don't want you to print that, but it feels like that's what it is."

He went on to say, "I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him. Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

The devil may or may not care. But, you can bet the voters will.

(Note: Sometimes we at Lobby Duck will write for satirical effect. I promise that these quotes are absolutely what this dude had to say for himself. I could't make up stuff this good.)

SWIFT Is Too (a) Cooperative

2006-06-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

The government implements measures to protect us from terrorism.

Cost: your telephone records divulged to the government.

The government implements measures to protect us from funding the terrorists.

Cost: your private financial transactions examined by the government.

Your right to privacy? Worthless.

Let me explain the latest as reported by the New York Times. Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication (or SWIFT), has allowed officials from the C.I.A., the Federal Bureau of Investigation and other agencies to examine "tens of thousands" of financial transactions.

SWIFT is a crucial gatekeeper, providing electronic instructions on how to transfer money between 7,800 financial institutions worldwide. The cooperative is owned by more than 2,200 organizations, and virtually every major commercial bank, as well as brokerage houses, fund managers and stock exchanges, uses its services.

Treasury officials said SWIFT was exempt from American laws restricting government access to private financial records because the cooperative was considered a messaging service, not a bank or financial institution.

So, let me see if I understand. SWIFT has access to private financial records, but it is not a bank. It is a "cooperative messaging service." So, it is just fine if a "cooperative messaging service" gives up your private financial records. One thing I do understand, SWIFT was way too cooperative.

So, this leaves me wondering. What will it be next?

The First Thing We Do, Let's Kill All the Lawyers

2006-06-23T08:15:00.000-05:00

To quote Shakespeare, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." And, they are taking this seriously in Iraq. Very seriously.

A lawyer on Saddam Hussein's defense team was kidnapped and later found dead this week in a Baghdad neighborhood. He was the third lawyer representing Mr. Hussein or his co-defendants to have been killed since their trial started late last year.

(You'll remember that I skipped law school to get a lucrative gig lobbying, so this story caught my eye.)

The Iraqi Bar Association (the Iraqi Bar Association?) and lawyers appearing for Mr. Hussein and other defendants later accepted offers of protection from Iraqi and American officials. The killings have renewed doubts about whether it is possible to hold a fair trial in the midst of a conflict that has spurred revenge killings. You think?

Now I'm no expert on international issues, but seriously, is it really safe in Iraq for anybody?

Bienvenidos a Miami...

2006-06-23T07:59:00.000-05:00

7 terrorism suspects arrested in Miami raid!!!!!

Ohmigod, everybody, some guys in Miami rented a warehouse and were training "operatives" to perpetrate great mischief against the good people of the United States and, horrifyingly, the Sears Tower, a national monument if there ever was one!

Well, actually, they probably had in their possession three old bottle rockets and one of those rifles you use in the shooting gallery at carnivals to win a stuffed Elmo, but all the same, it is mucho scary!

Almost as scary as illegal immigrants, but I digress.

Quick, call the FBI!

Break down the door with a blowtorch! (who's doing the terrorizing here, anyway?)

Grab those unmasked men and lock 'em up, nice and quick, see!

And, somebody, for goodness' sakes, bring me a copy of the latest Patriot Act...I think this little incident has shown us that it needs some beefing up!

What a bunch of hooey.

A few guys with records in Miami are up to no good in a warehouse and they get busted by the fuzz...that used to be a regular Thursday night down there, now it's a national incident.

Certifiable

2006-06-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

Well, the Secretary of State finally let the world know that independent candidates for Texas governor Carole Keeton Strayhorn and Kinky Friedman are certifiable. For the November 7 ballot that is. (What were you thinking?)

Strayhorn and Friedman will be on the ballot with Republican Gov. Rick Perry and Democrat Chris Bell. Each doing his/her part to Keep Austin Weird.

Slowly Step Away from the Missile

2006-06-22T08:25:00.000-05:00

U.S. ambassador to Japan Thomas Schieffer said on Wednesday that if North Korea launched a long-range ballistic missile it would be a "clear violation" of agreements it has made in the past.

The United States has activated its ground-based interceptor missile-defense system amid concerns over an expected North Korean missile launch, a U.S. defense official said on Tuesday.

Asked if the United States would try to shoot down a North Korean missile, Schieffer said: "I think what we have said is that we have greater technical measures of tracking than in the past. So, we know without doubt that my missile is bigger than his missile."

He elaborated,"I matter-of-factly told Kim Jong-iI that our missiles were not only bigger than his, but were longer-range, had more endurance, and bigger payloads than his missiles. I suggested that he might want to carefully consider all of the facts before launching his."

I think we need to end this "missiling" contest before somebody gets hurt.

To Boldly Go Where No Duck Has Gone Before

2006-06-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make. I love science fiction. And, yes, I'm a fan of "Star Trek." I admit it. (Is there a twelve-step program for this?)

I realize this puts me in the totally-a-nerd realm. (As if being a lobbyist didn't already qualify me.) Just so you know, I have never dressed up in a costume of some sort to attend a Star Trek Convention. That's really just too weird. Even for this duck. I'm just sayin'.

Why is this topic coming up now you ask? Well, while I was reading the New York Times, I ran across an article about Star Trek. For the first time in nearly two decades, television spinoffs from the original 1960's "Star Trek" series have ended, so fans are banding together to make their own episodes.

In fact, fans all over the world are creating their own voyages to seek out new life and new civilizations. Here in Austin, Texas, we have our very own fan-studio-website. This is awesome. I totally need to get rethink my willingness to put on a silly costume. I'm thinking I want to be a Klingon.

And, I have an idea. These guys could totally play Kirk, Spock, and McCoy.

Nobody Puts Granny in the Corner

2006-06-21T07:51:00.000-05:00

Granny accused of murder in elderly love tangle
Prosecutors allege woman, 79, put ‘four to the head’ of 85-year-old victim

ATLANTA - A 79-year-old grandmother who used a cane to walk to her seat in the courtroom Tuesday was painted by prosecutors as so consumed by rage last year that she shot her ex-boyfriend four times in the head.
Lena Sims Driskell, wearing brown curls and costume jewelry in court, is charged with murdering her former beau, 85-year-old Herman Winslow, after their yearlong romance ended.
“She had been dismissed,” Fulton County prosecutor Fani Willis said in opening statements. “She didn’t appreciate it. And her revenge was four to the head.”

Wow, all I can say is, I'm so, so sorry Texas can't claim Lena as one of our own.

There's a sassy woman who knows how to use a firearm.

Angie, My Little Namibian Refugee

2006-06-20T08:26:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else suspect that "World Refugee Day" is just a cover to allow Anderson Cooper to do that Angelina Jolie interview we've all been secretly looking forward to?

Taking the List and Checking it Twice

2006-06-20T07:50:00.000-05:00

According to News8Austin, state election officials are making final checks of the list of voter signatures collected by independent gubernatorial candidates Carole Keeton Strayhorn and Kinky Friedman.

And, believe me, the candidates are truly grateful that these lists have nothing to do with being naughty or nice. Or, for that matter, good or bad. Indeed, it is much easier than all that.

In order to get on the ballot in November each of them had to gather 40,540 signatures from registered Texas voters who didn't vote in the Republican or Democratic primaries this spring. Seriously, how hard can that be? I mean, really. I think like only twenty people in all of Texas voted in the primaries. So that leaves about 10,999,980 registered voters in Texas available to sign these petitions. Seriously, how hard can this be? I think Sheila's cat could get that many signatures. I digress.

Secretary of State's Office spokesman said an announcement on whether Strayhorn and Friedman make the ballot could come by Wednesday.

Will it be Christmas in June for Carole and Kinky? If not, I suspect well have pouting, crying, and lawsuit-filing. And, coal in the stocking come December.

Outdoor Living: What about the danger?

2006-06-19T07:54:00.000-05:00

Yellowstone tourist dies in 500-foot fall

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyoming (AP) -- A woman lost her footing after stepping over a retaining wall to take a photograph and went over a cliff, falling 500 feet to her death in a canyon, Yellowstone National Park officials said.

See, this is why I don't do the outdoors. People are always telling me how idyllic it is to commune with nature and I say, what about the danger?

And they say, for goodness sakes' it's a national park, there's no danger.

And then this poor lady is just trying to get one good shot for the grandkids and oops, grandma just made an early exit.

Also, as someone who is not especially well-coordinated, I have slipped, bumped, fallen and careened into many a thing in my relatively short life.

Plummeting to my death in front of thousands of tourists in baggy, unattractive camping clothing and serving as a tasty amuse bouche for a mountain lion is not my idea of idyllic.

JenNestlé Craig: The Bottom Line

2006-06-19T07:36:00.000-05:00

Nestlé, the Swiss food giant, is scheduled to announce today that it has agreed to pay about $600 million for Jenny Craig. A corporate marriage made in heaven.

Nestlé, makes its bottom line by increasing yours (note: when I say "yours" that "fat ass" is implied). Chocolate candy. Ice cream. Nestlé Quick. What's not to like?

Jenny Craig makes its bottom line by decreasing yours. NO chocolate candy. NO ice cream. NO Nestlé Quick. Diet. Diet. Diet. What's to like?

Perfect. The right hand DOES know what the left hand is doing. The left had is selling products to make yours fatter and the right hand is telling you yours is too big and how to lose a few pounds off of yours.

JenNestlé Craig will increase its bottom line coming and going.

Duckcentration

2006-06-16T07:33:00.000-05:00

Yet again, we here at Lobby Duck are suffering from the heat and taking the lazy duck's way out.

So, yet again, here is another game to help get you through Friday to the weekend.

Duckcentration

Always the Bridesmaid

2006-06-15T07:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, people, love is in the air. June is, as you all know, the month for weddings. Flowing white dresses. Flower girls. Cake. Honeymoons. Live happily ever after. And all that.

Of course where there is a wedding there is at least one bridesmaid. And, horrors, the bridesmaid's dress.

One of my friends from grade school (BFF and all that) is getting married Saturday. She asked me to be a bridesmaid. What could I say? "Of course, I'd be honored." When I should have asked, "What does the dress look like?"

Indeed, I've been in enough weddings to know the deal. Beautiful dress for the bride - deal. Beautiful dress for the bridesmaids - no deal.

Seriously, look at the dress. (Yes, the bride is an Aggie. Can't you tell from the color choice?) I, of course, find that I generally look ill when I wear maroon. And look at the (lack of any) style. I shudder to think about wearing this dress - even for just a few hours. At least it doesn't have a bow on the butt.

And, as I am now the last one in my group not married (or even engaged), everybody is really curious about my date for the wedding. But, you know what, I don't have a date. Are you kidding? I wouldn't want a date to see me in this dress.

My mom was trying to cheer me up. She sent me a website that has the ugliest bridesmaids' dresses ever. Look here. At least my dress isn't as bad as these. But, seriously, bridesmaids really need a better lobby.

Let's Take the Politics out of the Flag

2006-06-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

Today is National Flag Day.

At the risk of getting all freaky on you, don't you sometimes wish that the flag could just be the flag and not the divisive political issue it is today?

I remember when I was a small duckling and we visited my grandfather. He always took out his flag and flew it with pride each and every holiday. Memorial Day. Flag Day. The 4th of July.

As World War II veteran, this was a big deal to him. A show of respect. A celebration of freedom. A prayer of thanks to all who had served this great country.

To him, it wasn't a political issue. One party versus another. Right versus wrong. A tool to be used for political gain.

No sir. To him, flying his flag was the act of a true American.

Reality Bites

2006-06-13T07:32:00.000-05:00

Have you heard about the Meow Mix House? It's a catty "The Apprentice." It's a feline "Survivor." It's "Real World" for cats.

A reality "show" starring cats? Yes, indeed. Thank you, Meow Mix.

Ten felines, picked from animal shelters nationwide, will live in a New York house to compete for a grand prize - an executive-level job with Meow Mix cat food. Every cat's dream, I'm sure.

There are contests for the feline stars - including best purr and top post-climber. Two winners will be chosen, one by judges and one by viewers in online voting. The judges' choice will get a new family and the title of Meow Mix's "feline vice president of research and development," the company said. When a cat is voted out, it will move to a permanent home and get a year's supply of Meow Mix as a consolation prize.

I have a better idea. How about a Texas-size reality show?

Maybe four contestants competing for a grand prize - an executive level job for the State of Texas.

A fellow with really good hair. One tough grandma. A Jewish cowboy/writer/musician. And, a guy nobody heard of from Houston.

There would be contests - including best speech and top money-raiser. Only one winner would be chosen by popular vote and he or she would get to live in a really nice, big house for four years and the title of Governor of the Great State of Texas.

Nah, never mind. Nobody'd ever believe it.

Friends With Money

2006-06-12T07:57:00.000-05:00

Have you been paying attention to the story that businessmen, a lobbyist and a major corporate foundation have donated almost $700,000 to pay for the renovation of Speaker's apartment inside the Capitol?

I am paying attention, and I am appalled.

I mean, seriously. $700,000 to renovate a two-bedroom-just-less-than-2,000-square-foot apartment? Must be sweet to have friends with money. I wish I could catch some of that action. (Remember, I'm trying to make ends meet on a teacher's salary.) (Did I mention my two summer jobs?)

So, being a somewhat frugal duck, I came up with an idea.

The Democrats should get the folks at "While You Were Out" to fix the old place up. Here's how it would work. The host of the show would bring in the designer and handypersons to create a new look for the apartment. Generally, they take only two days for the "stunning transformation."

The Speaker is in town for about 140 days every two years. (Well, okay, lately it has been more than that, but whose fault is that?) So, the team would have almost 600 days to get the job done. Think about what they could accomplish with that kind of time. And my guess is that it would cost nothing close to $700 grand.

Then the next time the Speaker showed up in Austin, they could all shout, "Look what happened while you were out!" Priceless.

Kiss Your (BIG) ASS (House) Goodbye

2006-06-10T11:15:00.000-05:00

Thank whatever-higher-being-type you believe in. You can kiss your big ass house plans goodbye. The Austin City Council passed the McMansion rules on first and second reading early (by early, I mean after 3:30 a.m.) Friday morning. Third reading is scheduled for June 22. Finally, a victory for the neighborhoods.

Cross your fingers that the Council will do the right thing on the 22nd.

To see the poster children of the big-ass-houses, check out 45th Street between Red River and Duval. You can't miss them.

Is It AUGUST?

2006-06-09T08:13:00.000-05:00

We here at Lobby Duck decided to take the day off. It's just too darn hot to think up witty and interesting narrative. Did I just wake up to find out it's already AUGUST? We're busy thinking about the beach.

Here's something to get you through your Friday.

Duck-Tac-Toe

NASCARentology

2006-06-08T07:58:00.000-05:00

I am a big NASCAR fan. (After all, like what else is there to do in Lubbock?) The races are awesome. Watch some bad-ass crashes. Drink a few cold ones. What a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

When I heard that Scientology is going to sponsor a car, I just about, well, nevermind what I just about did. Can you believe it? A first-class, top-notch freakshow cult is sponsoring a RACE CAR? How totally messed up this that?

I did a little research into scientology (read: I googled it, Dude).

Scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life.

What the hell does that mean? What a bunch of double-talk crap. (This sounds like something a lobbyist might say, you know?)

Their racing team is called “Ignite Your Potential.” This is just a little too new agey for me. (On the other hand, if we're talking about the Viagra car, that's a whole different kind of potenital.)

I can hear it now, "Gentlemen, ignite your potential!" Sounds like what every NASCAR fan across the country is looking for in his race-car-watching, don't you think?

At least it will not be touring NASCAR's premiere national events, so I won't have to look at it going around the track on my TV. Of course, I guess could aways down a few more cold ones.... That activity seems to help the handling of my spirits.

(Starter) Castles in the Sky

2006-06-07T07:02:00.000-05:00

Oh tell me why...
Do we build castles in the sky
Oh tell me why...
All the castles way up high.
Please tell me why...
Do we build castles in the sky
Oh tell me why...
All the castles way up high.

If you haven't been following the Austin City Council's saga of limiting the size of new and remodeled houses in Central Austin, you are missing out on some really fine entertainment.

Proving once again, all politics is local. And, this issue really hits home (no pun intended). The neighborhoods are totally upset at the big, bad developers who build big, bad Starter Castles. McDuplexes. McMansions. Huge-Ass Houses. The developers are miffed at the neighborhoods' NIMBY attitude to what they see as progress. And, there you have it.

But, I ask, why does everything have to be BIGGER in this country. We all know our collective asses are getting much bigger. So go our assets as well? Just how many square feet of home does one family need anyway?

Well, I'm not going to pretend to know the answer here. But, the City Council is set to take up final regulations on this matter Thursday. Go on down to City Hall or tune in to Channel 6 to see what the City Council does. It's sure to be a freakshow.

Meanwhile, the advertising opposing this proposal is rather amusing as well. The builders ran an ad in the Statesman showing a poor old lady who was totally screwed by the law because it ruined her property value. Some neighborhood person got creative with photoshop and created the parody below. Let the games begin.

And, maybe the City Council will do the right thing and the only place we'll find starter castles is in the sky. We can only hope.

One Man, One Woman: A Tale of a College Station Coffee Shop

2006-06-06T07:25:00.000-05:00

The Republicans have outed the "One Man, One Woman" idea again. (Oops, I meant "touted.") As you know, some people are opposed to the one-man-one-woman marriage concept.

Lobby Duck told me the following tale from his trip down to Aggie Land last month. He was sitting in Starbucks (yes, I know, but he says he couldn't find another coffee shop). It was full of students studying for finals. Except for the students behind him who were studying the Bible instead of English lit and geology.

He says he really tried not to listen to their conversation, but you know how that goes. Anyway, they were discussing marriage. A sacred union, yada, yada, yada. In the group, there was a really cute blonde chick with a big cross around her neck sitting next to this guy with his big Bible with that fish on it. The discussion continues. They read from the Bible. Then he looks her in the eyes and says, "A marriage is between one man, one woman, and Jesus." At that moment, it looked like she could worship him.

One man. One woman. And Jesus?

First, I must correct the grammar. "Between" is with two people or things, while "among" is with three or more.

Now that the grammar lesson is out of the way, I must point out that L.D. was certain that the dude was just looking to get into this chick's pants. Maybe. Maybe not. That would be between him and Jesus.

Finally, to the concept of a marriage among one man, one woman, and Jesus. A "religious menage a troi." What would Republicans do?

Please note: this post is written by Hippie Duck, so if you are offended, please don't blame L.D. He had nothing to do with it and is most certainly horrified by it's mere existence. As a lobbyist, he can't afford to piss off anybody.

It's Just Ducky, Old Chap

2006-06-05T07:52:00.000-05:00

Yet again, you ask, "Where has that darn L.D. been, anyway?"

Finally, I have a pretty good answer. No, it is an awesome answer. Well, okay, an excuse, at least.

I have just returned from spending the week across the pond. In merry ole England. Whatever.

Here I am with the doorman at Windsor Castle. Impressive, no?

Proof positive, in spite of what you might have heard to the contrary, that L.D. is a duck of some breeding and culture.

I'll have more (much more) about my trip later. But for now, here is an interesting titbit I picked up. Did you know that the origins of the verb "lobby" can be traced to 1640, when British subjects would petition their members of Parliament by talking to them in the lobby of the House of Commons.

Oh my gawd, real people went to talk to their members? That is totally terrifying. Nobody got PAID for taking on the complex task? There were no professional lobbyists? How would I make a living?

Isn't this Yank-lobbying-gig-thing just ducky?

666 Is in Every UPC Barcode!

2006-06-02T07:37:00.000-05:00

This dude told me a good one the other day. 666 Is in Every UPC Barcode! (And my brother, L.D., calls ME Dumb Ass Duck.)

Dude, really. You should totally check this sh*t out before you believe it. (Do you believe everything you read? Dude, really. People are out there making up all kinds of sh*t all of the time.)

Snopes.com reports that this idea arose because the number six is represented by a pattern similar to that of the guard bars used to mark the beginning, middle, and end of every bar code. Since the guard bars always appear three times in a given bar code, some dumb ass who mistakenly read them as sixes claimed that the pattern 6-6-6 was embedded in every bar code.

I guess the upcoming June 6, 2006 date is bringing out all of the religious crazies.

Next thing you know, God will tell Pat Robertson that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

Surprised by my view on this? Well, hey Dude, I'm conservative, not crazy.

I'm Proud of Taxes

2006-06-01T07:04:00.000-05:00

How 'bout you?

Yesterday the Governor signed HB 1 - the last of the fine bills passed by our Texas Legislature. So, let's see.

Property tax cuts!

Business tax loopholes closed!

Largest tax cut in history!

Even a pig can look pretty good when you put enough lipstick on him.

I'm just sayin'. That's all.

A Prayer for Omen Meaney

2006-05-31T07:31:00.000-05:00

A woman in England due to give birth on June 6 is trying to persuade her hospital to induce her sooner to avoid delivering on the demonic date of 6/6/6 reports UPI.

She apparently buys this whole omen-06/06/06-demonic-child-mark-of-the-beast-thing.

I hate to jump to conclusions, but I must agree.

This duckling is most certainly marked for life - before she is even hatched!

No, not with the mark of the beast. Worse. The mark of one crazy mother.

The Man in the Duck Mask

2006-05-30T20:57:00.000-05:00

In the June 2006 Capitol Crowd update, Ms. Hadley has a good piece written up about Who the heck is "John Cornyn's Box Turtle?"

He writes for the blog In the Pink Texas, and the real JCBT is Capitol Crowd's "Person of the Week." (I think Sheila is totally in love with him.)

Then Ms. Hadley further says, "Now if only Lobby Duck would let us unmask him..."

Well, Ms. Hadley, for now, this is the best we can do. But, if we at Lobby Duck decided to be unmasked, you'll be the first to know.

Meet the Bloggers

2006-05-30T09:10:00.000-05:00

Over the long weekend, I decided to recruit a couple more guest duck bloggers. I'm tired of working so hard, get it? Meet the new bloggers: Dumb Ass Duck and Hippie Duck.

Anyway, my brother, Dumb Ass Duck, has been after me to let him post to my blog. I finally relented, to keep peace in the family. (Read, my mom ask me for a favor.) He still lives in the old home town of Lubbock. He actually still lives with Mom and Dad (embarrassing at his age, I know) and he's still trying to get his degree. I think he must be on the 10-year plan or something. He's a real West Texan. It's not a meal without a big hunk of beef. He thinks ketchup is a vegetable. He loves his cowboy boots. And, of course, he's a conservative.

Next, is Hippie Duck. She lives in Central Austin. And by that I don't just mean that her address is in Central Austin. I mean, she is Central Austin. Everything you'd expect from a duck living in the central part of our fair city. Well-educated. Birkenstocks. Liberal. Tree-hugger. Vegan.

By now, you should be getting the picture. Yin and yang. Night and day. Red and blue. Right wing and left wing.

Have a Happy and Safe Memorial Day

2006-05-27T08:57:00.000-05:00

We here at Lobby Duck are taking a well-deserved break. See you Tuesday!

Now I Lay Me Down

2006-05-26T08:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Ken Lay, former Enron chief executive, was found guilty on six counts of fraud and conspiracy and four counts of bank fraud. Seems he'll go to the big house for a looooong time.

Mr. Lay said, "I firmly believe I'm innocent of the charges against me. We believe that God in fact is in control and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the Lord."

Now I lay me down to nap,
I pray the Lord "What a bum rap!"
Now that I must go to prison for real,
I pray the Lord will grant my appeal.

Whatever, dude.

Another Singular Disappointment

2006-05-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

Okay. What's with the cell phone company anyway?

We here at Lobby Duck seem to be having bad luck with our cell phone providers this month. Read about LD's bad experience.

Now, read about mine.

I get my bill this week. I mean, I literally receive my bill this week. A paper copy. In the mail. Understand, I've been getting electronic bills forEVER and haven't done a thing to change it. Just how many trees can we kill here?

Not so bad you say. Well, try this on for size.

I'm eligible for a discount on my bill. Which I've been getting FOREVER. But not this time. I think they must have thought I wouldn't notice the $10 increase.

So, I call customer service. And, I wait on hold. You know the drill, I'm sure.

"We are experiencing a larger than normal call volume. Please stay on the line. A customer service representative will be with you shortly." At this point, I think "shortly" means "when we get finished talking to our boyfriend on our cell phone."

Finally. A real-live-customer-service person. She doesn't know why I got the paper bill. She doesn't know why I care one way or the other. She doesn't know why I didn't get the discount. She doesn't care one way or the other.

She says that maybe there was a "glitch" in the system because that happens sometimes. Billing is complicated, you know. This happens now and then. I just need to call "to remind them" and they'll put that discount back on my bill.

Okay, I must confess. I have what I call "the b*tch switch." And this nonsense totally flipped that switch into the "on" position. I tell her that this is a "bait and switch." I think they thought I wouldn't notice the elimination of the discount and I'd just pay the higher bill. And they be that much ahead. No patient-duck-thing from me.

A "glitch"? I don't believe it for a minute. A singular disappointment.

Bird Flu Fever...or We're All Gonna Die

2006-05-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

Here's a happy Thursday thought.

A family of seven in Indonesia (how come so much bad stuff happens to the Indonesians?) has died of the Avian Flu. Doctors can't confirm that any of them had any contact with birds although CNN's is reporting this morning that at least one was hanging out with a feathered friend prior to his death.

And the kicker is the family may have contracted the AvFlu from each other, meaning it's MUTATED, folks. Human to human, baby.

If you're a religious freak, this is where you insert your "second coming" comments or for those who are fans of those silly programs on the Discovery Channel, this is when you reference Nostradamus. My friend tells me the Mayans didn't predict the end of the world until about 2012, so we've got six more years to come up with a school finance plan.

Oh wait, they already did that--I'm still in shock.

At any rate, another friend is telling me we should form a "contingency" plan and stock up on tuna, Vienna sausages, powdered milk and firearms. We're supposed to meet in Dallas, hole up for a month and hope that the world exists when we come out (isn't that what they already do every day in Dallas?).

Vienna Sausages?

I'd rather make out with an AvFlu-positive duck.

-BD

The World's Tallest 12-Year-Old

2006-05-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was walking through the Capitol grounds when I run into a legislator and this kid sitting on a park bench. I think how nice it is that his son is able to see his dad in action up at the Capitol.

So, of course, I stop by to chat. And, I'm thinking how cool am I because I know this legislator has a 12-or-13-year-old son. I go up to them, "Mr. Legislator, Lobby Duck. Good to see you again. And, this must be your son..."

Well, they both look at me kinda funny and get up off the park bench. And, I swear, when this kid gets up off of the bench I can't believe it! He must be at least 6 feet tall. He is the tallest 12-year-old I've ever seen. And, like, the world's tallest 12-year-old even.

We stand there for a few moments awkward like, when finally Mr. Legislator says, "L.D., he isn't my son. I thought you'd met my staffer - he's been with my office for several months now."

Of course. This staffer could not possibly be a 12-year-old. Am I ever totally embarrassed. My bad.

But, that's not the worst of it. If I think a twenty-something staffer looks twelve, I must be getting old.

A Rubber Duck to Toy With?

2006-05-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this "Lobby Duck Challenge" that Capitol Annex has proposed. I really appreciate the attention and all. But, who does he think I am, a rubber duck to toy with? I've got lobbying business to take care of. Clients that need my services. I mean, do I look like a duck that has time to chase all over the Capitol taking photos?

Then, my brother, Dumb Ass Duck, called to tell me he'd read this challenge. I started in with my, "Who does this guy think I am..." When Dumb Ass Duck interrupted me, "Dude, like, lighten up a little. Would you? This is totally hysterical. You'd think this guy had never seen a rubber duck outside his own bathtub."

Dumb Ass Duck reminded me of our trip up to the Capitol last summer. That's when he dared me to jump in the fountain, and of course, I did. So, I offer this photo to Captiol Annex. But, it is so last year.

And, I promised my brother that I'd chill and consider the rest of the challenge. You gotta be able to laugh at yourself, ya know what I mean?

What Would Jesus Do?

2006-05-22T19:58:00.000-05:00

I know, bringing up religion is always a risky business. But, so is bringing up politics, and we do that all the time around here on this blog. So here goes...

Unless you've had your head under your wing, you know that the movie The Da Vinci Code opened this past weekend.

I am astonished at the furor this movie has unleashed. Now I must confess, I haven't seen it. (Maybe when it goes to video or runs on HBO. Maybe.) But, I did read the book. Seriously, this was one of the worst written books I have read. Seriously. Now, don't get me wrong. It did have a few interesting ideas and was a pretty good way to spend a cold, rainy Saturday afternoon. Well, okay, a cold, rainy Saturday couple of hours.

But, seriously. How could anybody take this work of FICTION, book OR movie, seriously? It's just a bunch of ideas strung together to, HELLO, make money for the author. Just like any other work of fiction. Do you people believe everything you read? Seriously.

I saw where people have gone to the trouble of protesting the opening of this movie. They actually walked up and down the front of the movie theater carrying protest signs.

My question: Don't these people have anything better to do? I mean, really, what would Jesus do? Would he even care about this book or movie? And, if he did, do you think he'd spend his time out front of a movie theater carrying a protest sign?

WWJD?

Note fromL.D.: If you are offended by this post, please note that it was Sheila who wrote it. Not ole L.D. I guess this is the risk you take when you have guest-duck bloggers.

When It's Over

2006-05-22T06:09:00.000-05:00

What do we all do with ourselves now that session is over?

I think I'm having separation anxiety.

After all, you do it for so long it becomes second nature. You anticipate its every need. You plan your life around it. You make it your priority. Even when it was bad it was so, so good.

But one day, it ends.

And, sometimes a duck's just gotta walk away.

One thing you can count on, though; there will always be another one-just around the corner.

-LD

Thanks to "A Capitol Blog"

2006-05-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

I just noticed that A Capitol Blog has put up a link to us here at Lobby Duck. Thanks, and we'll return the favor!

Dixie Chicken

2006-05-19T08:20:00.000-05:00

Where is L.D., you ask?

I ask, where are those guest-duck bloggers when you need them?

Given that we really haven't anything to post today, I guess I'll just go ahead and give you my excuse.

I went over to College Station to help out a buddy of mine. We Aggies stick together you know. He needed help moving. Yep, that was a pain in the tailfeathers.

But, I got my reward. We went to the Dixie Chicken. I spent the best years of college here. (Well, really all of my college years. Don't tell my mom.)

If I Had a Few More Dollars

2006-05-18T07:39:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. The Texas Legislature shook loose a raise for us teachers. Finally.

The HUGE sum of $2,000 a year.

That's $166.67 per month.

But, of course, you and I both realize that you don't get to take home that much. Taxes, you know.

I was wondering how much I'd actually see on my bottom line. So, I called an accountant buddy of mine.

He said that if you are a single duck with one withholding allowance, that you'd probably see around $120 to $130 a month or so in your paycheck. Well, I'm a single duck with one (so he tells me) withholding allowance. So, I can expect to see about $120 to $130 a month thanks to this raise.

I think that's just about what Buck Duck drops every month on fancy coffee drinks at Starbuck's.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be ungrateful because it is better than a swift kick in the tailfeathers. More money is better than less. But, I still can't afford to buy a house. Or a new car. Or even a new-to-me car.

But, I promise. I won't spend it all in one place. Or on a month's worth of Starbuck's. No, not me. I'll be practical and use it to pay my electric bill to put gasoline in my car.

Get a Good Dog Boys, It Will Be Your Best Friend

2006-05-17T08:11:00.000-05:00

In thinking over what happened this 3rd Called Session of the 79th Texas Legislature, I was reminded of this tombstone that my brother, Dumb Ass Duck, and I saw last summer. I don't know who this Ernest Lee Odiorne was, but he even gives some pretty decent advice from his grave.

In the 1st and 2nd Called Sessions of the 79th Texas Legislature set out to take care of the school and tax issues, and they did everything but. But, yes siree. This time the Lege did it. The third time was a charm. (Well, it really took more tries than that, but this sounds so good.)

They gave teachers a pay raise. They provided a record property tax cut. Everybody loves them. They will be re-elected. They got out of town in 29 days. But, wait! There's more! They even took care of issues other than just the school and tax issues. What a success!

But, wait. There's even more!

According to News 8 Austin, HB 1 will cost $18 billion over the next three years. But the bills that are supposed to pay for that cut only bring in $7.5 billion in revenue, which leaves a deficit of $10.5 billion in three years.

I recommend that they take Mr. Odiorne's advice and get a good dog now. Looks like that dog might be the only friend they have in two years.

The Day After

2006-05-16T07:59:00.000-05:00

Well, as you know, it all ended yesterday. For now anyway.

As you might guess, L.D. is indisposed today. He celebrated last night. So, don't expect to hear from him today.

He celebrated the end of the special AND his birthday which was back on May 2. But, we were all too busy to care.

And, I know he saw the Lobby Duck Challenge over at Captiol Annex. (An aside: What the.....?) Last night he mumbled something about it, but I can't remember what.

Like it's goin' out of style

2006-05-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

A word on the session about to end.

I just want everybody to remember that these "Republicans" have managed to spend more money than a sorority girl at a Banana Republic during this special session.

This is what we send them down there to do??

And to add insult to injury, they didn't just spend the money on schools, which I can at least swallow. They went hog-wild spending money on a host of other nonsense that Perry added to the call at the last minute.

This is governing?

I knew the last special would involve capitulation, but I didn't realize they'd be capitulating to their own wanton, tax and spend, spend, spend inner children.

-BD

Going Home...

2006-05-15T07:31:00.000-05:00

Seems like only yesterday (or last month, the month before or last year) that we dangled off the precipice of ending a school finance special session.

In the past, we were dangling nervously with no plan and no net, but this time is different.

This time, the mofos (to borrow a word) passed something and are gettin' the hell out of dodge.

Good on 'em.

May the wind always be at their back, may their various law practices and other business endeavors thrive and may they stay the hell away from us until, at least, January.

-LD

The House is Stuck in "Idol"

2006-05-12T08:17:00.000-05:00

Hi, everybody. Felipe here.

When L.D. asked me to be a guest duck blogger for him, I really didn't follow the Texas Legislature very much. Of course, I knew that this school finance thing was a mess and, more importantly, that I needed a raise. So, I said, "Why not? Sure, it'll be fun. You need a teacher's perspective." And, I thought, I'll more closely follow what they do up there in Austin. I'll watch them on the internet.

So, when I've had a minute or two this week, I've watched the House. Well, I'm a pretty smart duck and all. After all, I am a teacher. But, you know what? I have been horrified with what I've seen. I had no idea. Do they ever work? Seriously. Do they?

There's the minister of the day, and they pray. Then, they recite the pledges to the flags. Then there's the doctor of the day. And, throughout there's the taking of excuses for not being there. Next, all of the introductions of the guests are made. And, it goes on and on and on and on.

Then there are all of the resolutions. Let's not forget those. The fiftieth wedding anniversaries. The queen of whatever. The thanks for being an intern. And, these go on and on and on.

If it took me this long to get down to the business of teaching my students each and every day, these kids would never pass the TAKS test. And, I'd be so fired (well, technically, my contract wouldn't be renewed).

But HR 492 on Tuesday just took the cake. The resolution?

Honoring William John Makar of The Woodlands for his performance on American Idol.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against this kid. Good for him and everything. But, really, here the House is stuck in "idol" while I await my much-needed raise. ¡Dios mío!

Rubber Duckies Around the Capitol

2006-05-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

I'm popular! Woo hoo!

This week, the guy over at Capitol Annex gave me a pretty good write-up.

The quote:

"Lobby Duck wonders exactly what the deal is with some witnesses in committee hearings."

And, then compliments:

"(Props, btw, to the Lobby Duck Blogger, who actually places rubber duckies in odd places around the capitol and photographs them. I’m guessing that was done late at night, otherwise Governor Perry probably would have been trying to steal them for his late-night bath)."

And, actually, just in case inquiring minds want to know - the photos weren't done late at night. It seems that nobody really notices a stray rubber duckie or two around the Capitol.

Saint Nick

2006-05-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to going to see Thank You for Smoking. I had heard that this movie made fun of lobbyists. So, I hadn't wasted my time seeing it. But, I decided I'd better go see for myself. And, you know what?

I laughed my tailfeathers off! It was really funny! And, I think the movie illustrates what fine people lobbyists really are.

I support my opinion with the following observations from the movie.

First, a lobbyist's first name is "teamwork." I mean, look at how Nick worked together with the MOD squad. These "merchants of death" (representing the tobacco, alcohol, and firearms lobbies) had weekly meetings to share ideas and promote their clients. This is "teamwork" with a capitol "T."

Second, Nick was adaptable. Look at how he so quickly learned the cell phone industry after he lost his gig as a tobacco lobbyist. That guy could spin-doctor anything. On a moment's notice.

Third, Nick was financially responsible. Remember how he explained why he was a lobbyist? He had a mortage to pay. Can't argue with that. And, he did whatever it took to make that payment each and every month.

Fourth, Nick (eventhough he was divorced) was family oriented and a role model to his son. He spent time with his kid - he took the kid to work with him for crying out loud. He went to his kid's school to speak on career day. He even taught the kid how to engage in persuasive argument. "The beauty of argument," Nick says, "is that if you argue correctly, you're never wrong." Now that's a skill worth learning.

And, fifth, Nick was flexible in performing his job duties. He even said so himself. You have to have a“certain moral flexibility” to have my job.

So, you see - a team player, adaptable, financially responsible, family oriented, and flexible. What more could you want?

Oxymoron - A Liar's Affidavit

2006-05-09T08:02:00.000-05:00

The Conference Report on HB 4 was voted out Monday. Referred to as the "liar's affidavit," this bill simply insures that a person who buys a used car pays the right amount of sales tax on the transaction. This bill would raise a lot of money for the state.

This seems like a good idea. RIght? Everybody pays their fair share. A lot of money for the state. What's not to like?

I got to thinking about this. I probably thought about it too much. (It doesn't pay to actually think about legislation very hard.)

In it's most basic form, an affidavit is a document that is full of statements that are true and correct. And, a liar doesn't tell the truth.

So, a liar's affidavit, then, would be a document that is full of a liar's statements that are true and correct?

My head hurts just thinking about this, so I just went to have a few beverages. But you know, at least they passed something. Even if it doesn't make sense to me.

Let's Give Them Something to Talk About

2006-05-08T08:19:00.000-05:00

What is it with some witnesses at committee hearings anyway?

The other day, I watched this witness testify before a House committee. And, maybe I'm seeing something they don't.

But, he seemed to laugh just a little to loud.

You know the laugh. During his testimony, he had that I'm-laughing-with-you-committee-members-kind-of-laugh. That laugh that signals "I'm just one of the boys - trying to help out you guys who are doing great things for this great state." But, means, "Really, I'm so much smarter than you guys, it hurts me to be here." (Except for the money he makes.)

And, he stared just a little too long.

You know the look. He catches the eye of each one of the members with a meaningful glance. It says, "Mr. Committee Member, you are the only one on the whole Committee smart enough to understand what I'm saying. Thank god you are on this committee." But means, "Really, I hope you can possibly understand anything I'm saying."

And, yes, he seemed to stand just a little too close.

You know how close. After the hearing he went up to the Chairman to "chat." Body language that says, "I know you well enough to be this close and I want everybody in the room to know." But, it really means, "I'm desperate for everybody to think you and I have a personal relationship."

Again, I may be seeing something they don't, but it seems to me this witness is getting paid the big bucks to flirt with the Committee Members. What do you think?

Singularly Bad Day

2006-05-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, now I 'm not happy. Many of you will remember when I had the difficulties last summer purchasing my new cell phone.

Well, as you know, I finally got the phone and signed up with the new provider. And, other than the new phone being rather cool, service was just about as good (or bad) from the new guys as it was from the old guys. You know, they are all about the same.

Until today.

I tried to use my phone just before dinner. And.......nothing happened. I repeat. NOTHING happened.

Now, I'm a patient duck. And everybody has problems now and then. So, I waited and tried again. And.....nothing happened. Again.

So, I went out to dinner. And, I tried AGAIN. Yep, you got it. NOTHING.

So, I had a few beverages. And, I tried yet AGAIN. And, NOTHING.

Well, the whole patient-duck-thing is over. What good is a lobbyist without a cell phone? And, more importantly, how will that cute chick I met be able to call me?

I just called the company. I waited on hold for a while (that, of course, is an understatement).

When the customer service dude finally answered, I said, "My phone hasn't worked for, like, several hours." He said, "Oh, you must live in Texas." Now, I knew that was a bad sign right there.

He goes on, "Pretty much the whole state is out of service right now. We have, like, a thousand people working on it. It's, like, a problem."

Really?

I asked if he could tell me what the problem is. So, he checked and said that the DACS was down. And that it all started in Austin and went from there. To pretty much the entirety of this great state of Texas. And, if it made me feel any better, there were outages in Vegas and Seattle, too. But not nearly as big as Texas. (After all, nothing is.)

Better yet, he doesn't know when they'll get the DACS repaired. But, soon, he hopes. I'll bet he does. I think he must be having a singularly bad day.

Like a Boy or Girl Scout

2006-05-05T07:44:00.000-05:00

The other day I was hanging out at the Capitol checking out the rally de jour (and the chicks). When I saw this group of boy scouts.

Two things came to mind. Immediately. Well, really three things.

The first thing - where are the chicks?

The second thing - last May I did a favor and led a group of girl scouts around the Capitol and the Bob Bullock Museum. Oh, the memories of that favor. Never, ever again.

The third (and-the-really-the-point-of-this-post) thing - a while back, I heard about a gig for a lobbyist with an image like a "boy or girl scout."

Really. This is a true story.

Like a boy or girl scout? Now, you can't blame them for wanting this attribute in a lobbyist. I mean, lobbyists have gotten a really bad rap lately.

Consider at Jack (around our reputations) Abramhoff. We've got to make a living (after all, I skipped law school for this). He's not making it any easier - what with all of the making it harder to do lobbying and all because of his poor judgement.

But, seriously, an image LIKE a boy or girl scout? Do we have to take it that far in the other direction?

I mean, if that's the new standard, who worth a damn qualifies for that?

P.S. I hear the position is still available.

Dear God

2006-05-04T07:13:00.000-05:00

Poor President Bush.

Approval ratings dropping.

Gasoline prices rising.

And, you thought this guy didn't have a prayer.

WRONG.

Today is the N ational Day of Prayer. A day set aside to pray for your country's leaders.

God knows this country's leaders can use all the help they can get.

ExMo Feels Your Pain

2006-05-03T17:41:00.000-05:00

Well, guess what? Exxon Mobil chairman Rex Tillerson feels your pain. You should feel better already.

ExMo appeared on the Today show this morning. And, he says oil companies do not get together and illegally manipulate oil prices. So, I must conclude that there is a LEGAL way to manipulate oil prices and that they are doing a helluva job at it.

ExMo also says that he understands gas prices are causing difficulties for people.

Please. Difficulties? I repeat, difficulties?

ExMo, you haven't seen difficulties. Try paying for gasoline on a teacher's salary. Now THAT'S a freakin' difficulty.

Soledad O'Brien is Ruining This Country

2006-05-03T07:06:00.000-05:00

I don't know which morning show you watch or even if you have a morning show (I used to watch Bewitched reruns in the morning on Nickelodeon that always put me in good stead for the rest of the day), but now I watch (grudgingly) CNN's "American Morning."

The morning show on CNN didn't used to have a formal title. It was just known as "the news." I liked this. I despised the formulaic, ultra-white-teeth gangs on the networks; all that perkiness in the morning made my coffee go down wrong.

But, then 9/11 happened and the Patriot Act mandated that every proper noun in the U.S. be modified by the word, "American" and it became what it is today.

And that's when we were blindsided with the addition of Ms. Soledad O'Brien, who hits just about every demographic just in her person.

In case you haven't watched it, Soledad RUNS the show. She barely lets anyone get a word in edgewise and, this is important, she appears to be an IDIOT. I'm assuming her idol is Katie Couric (isn't that who all the young girls want to be these days) because she's constantly trying to pull off a coy giggle with her male counterparts.

Since Soledad is, apparently, also a huge BITCH (and, trust me, this comes across on camera), the giggle thing doesn't work. Say what I will about the other morning bimbos, at least they all seem fairly pleasant. Soledad looks like she's going to cut your heart out with a bread knife and serve it to the business reporter guy and Miles O'Brien (no, they're not married, he's always reminding viewers--wouldn't you?) who have to play second fiddles to her constant inanity. Her ambition, let it suffice to say, is palpable.

All in all, she's totally obnoxious, ill-suited for her current job and ruining my mornings.

Elizabeth Montgomery was never this much of a problem.

-SD

Woo Hoo - I Made Texas Weekly!

2006-05-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

Guess what? I got mentioned in OUT THERE with Robyn Hadley in Texas Weekly (subscription required). In case you don't know Ms. Hadley - she does Capitol Crowd.

Anyway, she noted that I had quacked a complaint about high gasoline prices.

Boycott Felt UP Here, Elsewhere

2006-05-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

Well, for once, the Houston Chronicle said it (almost) as well as I could. The topic: reporting on the day of inaction and the boycott to support immigrants. The headline in question: "Boycott Felt Here, Elsewhere."

More like "Boycott Felt UP Here, Elsewhere."

Let me explain. I went South of the Capitol yesterday for lunch. I saw lots of high-school-age kids on the Capitol grounds. Looked to me like it was a perfect opportunity to skip school and feel up your girl friend.

Here is how I imagine the conversation went:

GF: BF, do you support the boycott?

BF: GF, you know, like, I hadn't really given it much thought.

GF: What? This is totally the most important thing happening.

BF: Baby, you know, like....

GF: (interupts BF) I want to go down to the Capitol today to the rally to support the boycott. Will you go with me?

BF: (thinks for less than a second) Sure ,baby. I totally had my head up my tail feathers. Of course this is totally important. We can, like, make a difference if we go. What time? I'm totally there.

BF: (thinks to himself) I don't give a duck's tailfeathers about this rally and boycott. But, skip school and get a chance to feel up GF? Damn right I'll go. And, what a no-brainer that is.

Si se puede, indeed.

Pushed to the edge

2006-05-02T07:50:00.000-05:00

I am holding my breath until the Senate promises to play nice with the House, pass something and leave town.

-LD

Up Next, Kevin Costner Takes Bold Stand Against Premature Baldness

2006-05-01T08:29:00.000-05:00

I noticed Felipe is doing a lot of navel-gazing over this whole immigration protest today.

I just wanna say, hey, thanks for coming to work with the rest of us.

And, don't worry about having to take part in any protests anymore. We've got the celebrity circuit to take care of it for us.

Haven't you heard? Brangelina's gonna save one half of the world and George Clooney's gonna liberate the other half.

Why, I feel more secure and self-actualized already.

You know Bono's gotta be pissed off...didn't he once have the corner on the Pop-Star-With-A-Messiah-Complex gig?

A Day Without Felipe

2006-05-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

Being a first-generation Mexican-American, I momentarily considered staying home today to protest whatever it is I'm supposed to be protesting in regard to immigration policy in the U.S.

In case you are not familiar with the anti and pro-immigration movements currently getting all kinds of attention in this country (and, if this is the case, I must ask if you are illiterate and/or not in possession of a t.v. or if you are somehow house-bound without the use of any of your faculties, in which case, I apologize because you obviously have bigger problems than illegal immigration), today is the day when immigrants (I'm unclear as to which ones--all of them, only those who are illegal, me?) are to stay home and not purchase anything.

This is expected to result in everybody else realizing what a significant contribution immigrants make in this country and how tragic it would be if they all got sent home.

Now, as I mentioned, I'm a teacher in Texas, so the idea of staying home and not buying anything is nothing new to me, there not being a whole lot of money to spare, if you catch me.

But I did have something of a moral dilemma this morning as I thought perhaps I should show some type of solidarity with my people. I've got friends who are staying home. But they have all this riteous indignation.

First off, I couldn't figure out who my people are. So, there's a big dilemma right there.
Secondly, I really wanted to stay in bed and not go to work and chalk it up as my moral duty to my people, but I've already established that "my people" as a concept is kinda meaningless to me and I have to think that staying home and sleeping late is not really what the organizers had in mind.

Thirdly, and this is just me, a bunch of illegal and legal immigrants staying home from work not contributing to the economy of this country in myriad ways is not really an effective tool to demonstrate how useful we are.

So, I'm going to work.

Maybe I'll take tomorrow off.

Less pressure.

Say it ain't so...

2006-04-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

Oh kill me now.

Just when this whole school finance thing was breezing along.

The House was actually having a series of lucid moments and the Senate was breezing by at a brisk clip, THEY CANCELLED SENATE FINANCE because Shapiro wants to add recapture.

Noooooooooo...

Kudos

2006-04-28T08:57:00.000-05:00

Truly impressive show this week in the House.

It was like they had all taken a state-sponsored field-trip to Washington, D.C. over the weekend and finally learned how a bill becomes a law or something.

At any rate, kudos to leadership.

Well done.

Also, Monday generated the most-surprising quote of, quite possibly, the decade: "It really helped to have a bipartisan approach out there," said House Speaker Tom Craddick...

Working together for the common good.

Prozac State

2006-04-28T08:31:00.000-05:00

Let me introduce myself. I'm Sheila's tuxedo cat. Life is pretty good at Sheila's. She treats me well and all. I eat. I sleep. I chase insects. I sit in the window. I nap. I eat. I sit in Sheila's lap. I eat. You get the idea.

Then a few weeks ago, this neighborhood cat came up to MY window and marked it as his territory. The nerve of this guy.

Well, as you might imagine, this really doesn't work for me. At all. Sheila belongs to me. The window belongs to me. The house belongs to me. The world belongs to me. You get the picture. (I heard Sheila tell her friend that the place she works is full of people that think this way. Something about lawyers or lawmen or law-something-like-that I think.)

So, anyway, I got very, very anxious and pissed off (with a heavy emphasis on the "pissed off" part). (I also heard Sheila say that some of these law-whatevers act this way, too.) Anyway, I had to let that dude know he was out of line. I had to protect Sheila and all my stuff.

Of course, as you might guess, Sheila was not properly appreciative of my efforts to protect her and all of my stuff.

She decided that I must have an illness of some sort, so off to the vet for me. Of course, I was not ill. Then, I heard the vet say something about "something to take the edge off his anxious behavior." What? I'm a freakin' cat. I'm taking care of business here. And this is the thanks I get?

Anyway, I'm now on prozac for kitties. And, you know what? I'm feeling better already. I highly recommend it to those law-whatever-people that Sheila works with. I think they should just go ahead and put it in their water. Just don't tell Tom Cruise.

Statesmanship or something like it...

2006-04-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

Uh, yeah, before we get all teary over Monday's spectacle on the House floor, I would again like to call attention to the fact that the Legislature passed a tax bill EVEN IN THE FACE OF MASSIVE BUDGET SURPLUSES.

Unless your idea of government is just raising money for the heck of it, I don't really think that's statesmanship.

But, what do I know, I'm just the guy with the big gas-guzzling SUV.

It's Not Your Grandmother's "Light" Bill

2006-04-27T08:36:00.000-05:00

Felipe here again.

I just went to my mailbox and opened my electric bill. You know, the one your grandmother calls "the light bill."

Well, I'm here to tell you, this one is not your grandmother's light bill. And, if it is, she's probably not going to be able to pay it.

It's shocking.

It's electrifying.

And, I just started running my A/C.

I so need that raise!

(LD's note: This photo to the right is what I imagine Felipe looked like when he opened that electric bill. And, please, don't get him started on the high price of gasoline.)

That's One Stinky Problem Solved

2006-04-27T08:08:00.000-05:00

I've got wonderful news for Texans. A stinky problem has been solved!

No, it's not the state's property tax problem.

It's the problem of fart-inducing beans!

This means we Texans can eat more beans and fart less!

And, when we're all eating beans because the property tax problem isn't fixed we won't stink up the state!

Check it out here:
Fart-Free Beans

(Mom, my apologies for the bathroom humor, but I just couldn't pass this one up. It was just too easy.)

Addicted to Love, American Style

2006-04-26T08:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've noticed the high price of gasoline. Who am I kidding? Only everybody has noticed.

Well, even the President finally noticed and decided somebody needed to look into the windfall profits to the oil companies. Folks, that's a start at least. And, with gasoline fast approaching $3 a gallon, it's about damn time, too.

Apparently for the past four years, the FTC has been actively reviewing prices in many markets. So, like, when was it planning to DO something?

The President also made reference to "America's addiction to oil." Did he just notice this or something? Like, what was his first clue? Buck Duck's huge SUV with the W '04 sticker on it? America loves oil.

I mean I like oil just as much as the next duck, but when gasoline gets to be $3 a gallon here in Austin, I'm going to have to start walking down to the neighorhood coffee shop to get my $3 mocha latte.

And, seriously, I might even have to consider walking the 8 blocks to the gym for my work out.

You Can't Get Nine Women Pregnant to Have a Baby in a Month

2006-04-25T08:40:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm dismayed to report that I have broken one of promises that I made myself when I started lobbying.

That is, you can't get nine women pregnant to have a baby in a month. (An aside: No, Mom, I didn't get nine women pregnant. Not even one. Really. )

Some things just take time. And developing a relationship, of any sort, is one of them.

Well, in my eagerness to do a great job for my client, I have pushed myself on a couple of staffers. I really need their support to accomplish my client's goals. I just met them, so I've been calling and dropping by a lot. In short, acting like their best friend.

Now, when I worked for the Senator, I HATED this behavior in a lobbyist. Some dude I just met acting like my best friend got on my last nerve. I mean, come by the office and tell me what you need, but don't act like we are best friends.

Was it easier when the lobbyist and I had a relationship? You bet. But, this takes time, people. (Just wait, and you'll have the darling little duckling.)

And, in my attempt to do a good job, I have ignored the simple fact that you just can't get nine women pregnant to have a baby in a month.

Momma, Don't Let Your Indigo Children Grow Up to Be Lobbyists

2006-04-24T19:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to dinner with a friend of mine and her family - of children. These two lovely little ducklings were horrible at the restaurant. They didn't want to wait for the food. They screamed. They threw food. They were demanding of the wait staff. In short, this was a freakshow like I hadn't seen in a long while.

I looked imploringly at my friend, "Do something!" my look said. And she goes, "Oh, they're both indigo children. This is to be expected." And, she did nothing. I repeat, NOTHING.

What kind of children? This new phrase is a license to act like a brat?

Where was this excuse when I was a duckling? I can so hear my parents now. "Don't sass me, young lady." Or, "Sheila Anne, get down here right now." And, you knew when they used both of your names, you were really in for it that time.

So, curious about the topic of indigo children (and really not wanting to question my friend about it because I wanted out of there, and I mean, fast), I did what everybody does - when I got home, I googled it. The New York Times even did a piece on it.

So, now that I have researched this new phenomenon. I repeat, "What kind of children?" For your edification, I share with you the results of my research.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the ten attributes that best describe this "new" kind of child, the Indigo Child:

They come into the world with a feeling of royalty (and often act like it)
They have a feeling of "deserving to be here," and are surprised when others don't share that.
Self-worth is not a big issue. They often tell the parents "who they are."
They have difficulty with absolute authority (authority without explanation or choice).
They simply will not do certain things; for example, waiting in line is difficult for them.
They get frustrated with systems that are ritually oriented and don't require creative thought.
They often see better ways of doing things, both at home and in school, which makes them seem like "system busters" (nonconforming
to any system).
They seem antisocial unless they are with their own kind. If there are no others of like consciousness around them, they often turn inward, feeling like no other human understands them. School is often extremely difficult for them socially.
They will not respond to "guilt" discipline ("Wait till your father gets home and finds out what you did").
They are not shy in letting you know what they need.

Let's get this straight. Act like royalty. Self-centered. Demanding. Impatient. Exaggerated self-worth.

So, there is nothing "new" about that if you ask me. It is totally a license to act like a brat, or a lobbyist.

Other duties as assigned...that includes drying your hair

2006-04-24T07:30:00.000-05:00

I'm going to break my own "no girlie" topics credo right here and now by bringing up something I think everyone can relate to at the capitol--namely, how some people dress.

This won't be a regular column or anything, but I will be weighing in from time to time if I see some particularly ill-advised fashion choice. We'll just refer to these as "capitol fashion foibles."

And, today's subject is: going to work with wet hair.

And, I don't mean 'cause you're late or your hair dryer broke down or you got stuck in a freak thunderstorm. I mean intentionally attending work without even the merest attempt at styling (or drying, even).

When is this ever appropriate (other than if you're the coach of the Olympic swim team)?

These women (and sadly, guys can actually get away with this) look like drowned rats.

Would I wear a button-down shirt to work without buttoning it up and have my bra hang out all morning?

I know. I know what you're all thinking: depends if I work in the House or the Senate...

Next up: too much hair gel--a cautionary tale.

-SD