What the Mel?

Okay. Okay. So, I know I'm like the last person on earth to notice that Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein are twins separated at birth.

I saw the photos of Mel after his DUI arrest made the news. And I went, "Oh my god." If it hadn't been for his arrest, I'd still be clueless. I mean, seriously, can you tell who is who? Be honest. (Hint - Saddam appears more normal.)

Anyway, Mel was apparently pissed that he got arrested. And he said a few things he'd later regret. I mean. Who'd have thought that this dude was anti-Semitic and sexist? I totally thought he was a religious person and all that. After all, he made that religious movie. Jesus Christ.

“I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable,” the actor-director said without elaborating.

That is to say he did the only honorable thing he could do. He blamed it on the devil.

P. S. And, yes, you are right. We are lazy here at Lobby Duck. Too lazy to come up with a better post for the day.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream

Who doesn't enjoy a big, fat ice cream cone?

There's just one problem. The operative word describing the ice cream cone is "fat." Ice cream, good ice cream that is, is full of fat. It makes you fat. That's right. It really is that simple. Fat.

What if there could be really good ice cream that didn't make you fat? Well, lucky for you, there are new industrial processes which have allowed manufacturers to produce very creamy, dense, reduced-fat ice creams with fewer additives. Awesome. Totally awesome.

These new ice creams use what is referred to as an ice-structuring protein instead of fat. You know. Whatever. It won't make you fat.

Then you get to thinking. Ice-structuring protein? What the hell is that? Sounds harmless enough. Well, you're better off if you just don't ask. It somehow involves a protein cloned from the blood of an eel-like Arctic Ocean fish, the ocean pout.

I really don't know where to start with this. Seriously. Fish blood. And, cloned at that. Dude, a cloned ice cream cone? Where is that bill from last session to ban cloning?

Let Us Pray and Fast

Public officials in my old home town of Lubbock are organizing a day to pray for rain. Mark your calendar for Sunday, July 30.

Mayor David Miller was quick to say "Nobody is going to tell God what to do and what not to do, but we are in a serious drought in West Texas and since he is the man who controls the rain clouds, we're asking him for his mercy and his help."

How dry is dry? Well, so far this year, Lubbock has received about half of its normal 10 inches. In the weeks since June 1, the growing season for cotton, rainfall has been less than an inch, far less than the normal 4 to 5 inches. People, this is a serious problem up there in the panhandle of this great state.

Did I mention that they are planning to fast as well? (That may be taking this whole thing just way too far. But, I guess whatever works for you.) Thank goodness there is no NASCAR this Sunday. Seriously, how could they watch the race without several cold ones? Especially in this heat.

Anyway, officials up in Lubbock have tried prayers before and say they were answered. In January 2004, after a year of drought, the city and county set aside a Sunday to pray for rain and got the second-wettest year since records have been kept. Like I said. Whatever works for you.

Blog Free, and Life is Worth Living

Or, if you are in India, don't blog free. I read that blog websites in India have been blocked by the Indian government. This was prompted by the discovery of a Web site that contained "two impertinent pages."

Two impertinent pages? In the whole country? You've got to be kidding. That's all? Dude, what do these government officials think blogs are for anyway? Bloggers majored in impertinence.

But, these pages were supposedly rife with material containing "extremely derogatory references to Islam."

So, I guess you get the drift. That makes it different. Totally. In India, you can blog free, except when you can't.

All of us at Lobby Duck send our heartfelt condolences to the bloggers in India. Especially to our fellow blogger Manas Garg. This guy (yes, in India) actually has a link to Lobby Duck on his blog, giving us at Lobby Duck an international following. We wish you all the best.

I Hate Lance a Lot

Okay, I know this is unAustin. Unamerican even. And, this will probably make me very unpopular. I'm so sick and tired of hearing about Lance Armstrong I could scream.

I thought to myself, "Thank goodness he's not in the Tour de France this year. I won't have to listen to the press go on and on and on."

Then, last week Lance was over in France. And I was so wrong. The news had to report about it. Oh, spare me, please. Then Lance has to explain that his line about the French World Cup soccer team testing positive “for being assholes” was a joke in a monologue, however weak. Who even heard him say that? Who even cares?

Now don't get me wrong. I admire what Lance has accomplished. But, please. Enough already about him, and about him and Sheryl Crow, and about him, and about his using/not using drugs, and about him.

And, he's so damn smug. When you look at him you just think, "This guy has asshole written all over him." You know what I mean? A little humility could go a long way for this guy.

I mentioned to a friend how much I hate Lance. And, that I really shouldn't even say this aloud. She just laughed and asked me to join the I Hate Lance a Lot Club she and some of her other friends had started. With any luck, maybe it's not too late for me to be a charter member.

Number 1 or Number 2? Dual Action

I recently went to an open house in my neighborhood in Central Austin. The house for sale is new construction and a "green" home at that. (Before you even ask, yes, yes, it is a McMansion.) Of course, the builder took us around and proudly explained how wonderful all of the different "green" features are and why the house is selling for the equivalent of the GNP of a small country.

We get to the bathroom and I notice that the toilet has the flush button on the top of the tank. Odd. Then I notice it has not one, but two, flush buttons. I'm thinking that's rather interesting.

Then. Suddenly. I realize what's coming next. How is this guy going to explain this? How do I get myself into these awkward social situations? I'm thinking at this point, no he won't mention it.

No, looks like I'm wrong, and we are going to have to talk about it. The guy points out the two water saving flush buttons. The first button uses just under one gallon of water and is for situations where you don't need much water. I'm thinking oh my god. Then he says the second button uses about one and a half gallons of water. I'm thinking oh my god, is he really going to say it? Yes, he does. He says it's for situations when you need more water.

Really? And, what would those situations be I wonder? I just nod my head and mumble something about what will they think of next.

I got to thinking more about these toilets and figure they are expensive. So maybe, just maybe that's why the Speaker's new toilets run around $1,000.

Mr. "Think Big"

Have you seen Chris Bell's new television ad? I caught it for the first time yesterday while I was eating dinner. I was so surprised, the spaghetti I was eating fell in my lap.

Apparently bigger is better. You already know that. Let me clarify. Thinking bigger is better. College. Business. Jobs. Children. Future as big as Texas. Watch the ad here.

After watching the ad, I kept thinking it reminded me of something. But, what? Finally, it hit me: Gulliver's Travels: A Voyage To Lilliput.

I can't help but wonder who thought up this idea?

See you on the Hike and Bike Trail. Tomorrow. Seriously. Promise.

Once again ole L.D. has put on a few excess pounds. Given this is the interim (you know, between sessions), it is the time to shed this excessive poundage I picked up during the special session. There is just no easy way to accomplish this goal.

But, let me tell you. Extra pounds on a duck are just not a pretty sight. I must get my act together. And soon.

I have time to exercise. Really I do. Seriously. I do. Promise.

I don't have to take people out to eat at expensive (and fattening) restaurants as often either.

People, this would be the time. Exercise more, eat less. Awesome idea, no? So what's the problem? It is way too hot. That's it. My excuse. The truth? I'm lazy. That's it. Totally lazy. I admit it.

It is so much easier to sit back on my tailfeathers and drink a cold beer. Easier AND more fun. I don't have to tell you.

Here I am running the hike and bike trail last regular session. I've got to get myself back to it. See you out there tomorrow. Seriously. Promise.

What the World Needs Now

The world is a mess. In fact, the whole world could take some lessons from our great country.

Take the Middle East. What the hell? Lebanon striking Israel. Israel striking back. Or whatever is happening. I'm not going to pretend I understand it. But, one thing is quite clear to this duck: these people just can't seem to play well together in the sand box. Well, I have idea. We, the great U.S. of A., should go over there and kick some butt. You know, take our guns over there and help them get along better.

The Russian government is supposedly restricting what the press can report. Would we do that in this country? Nope. Our system is much better. Freedom of the press. The American way. And, what if the press reports something the government doesn't like? Well, government officials talk about what poor excuses for Americans they are and how they are supporting the terrorists. But, they can report whatever they want.

And, the Chinese government is restricting the availability of the internet in China. This just isn't the American way. No sir. Here, you can surf the internet at will. And call whomever you want on the phone. No restrictions. The government just tracks the websites you view and the calls you make. As somebody once said, "Trust but verify." You certainly have the right to do whatever you want.

Ours is a great country. We can help make other countries great.

The Incredible Shrinking Celebrities

Have you noticed how Hollywood is shrinking? The celebrities, I mean. Given everything, I know this probably isn't the most important issue out there. But, as a school teacher, I see young girls wanting to be just like the stars. Thin equals glamorous and sexy.

"More and more celebrities are losing weight very quickly," said Us Weekly editor Caroline Schaefer. "Kate Bosworth, Ellen Pompeo, Keira Knightley. The list goes on. Stars are just getting smaller and smaller."

Look at Keira. You can see her ribs. Ay dios mio. What kind of role model is this? I'm thinking, "Does she eat?" Apparently the answer is, "No, not really."

To get as skinny as some of these stars, you would have to eat less than 1,000 calories a day. In case you were wondering how much food this would be, check out the daily diet of a woman who consumes just 600 calories a day:

Breakfast: One container yogurt, bowl of blueberries
Lunch: One energy bar
Dinner: Can of water-packed tuna

Well, let's be careful not to eat too much there. Maybe you should go with just half the can of tuna. (Okay, for those of you who don't get sarcasm, the last two sentences are sarcasm.) Oh, and are you going to eat the WHOLE energy bar?

Seriously, look at the photo of Sheila that I manipulated to make her look really thin. Is this attractive? Sexy? Glamorous? No. Again, that's a NO. Not to mention the experience of dating a woman who eats a half a can of tuna for dinner. Where do you go for a dinner date? Or worse, what about a woman who eats and then purges in the ladies' room? Now that's a fun date. (Sarcasm, again.) And, then she asks, "Does my ass look big in these jeans?" Ay dios mio.

No, real men aren't looking for this drama. Eat properly. Exercise. You know what they say up in Dallas, "You can't be too rich or too thin." Maybe they are half right. Maybe you can't be too rich.

The Lazy Duck's Way Out

Oh my god, I'm bored. It's too hot. I'm lazy. The guest-duck bloggers are lazy. Sheila's cats are really lazy. (Now there's a surprise.)

I'm daydreaming about a trip to the beach.

So nobody wants to post to the blog today. Once again, we're taking the lazy duck's way out.

Check out this rubber duck dance.

Dude, Who's Your Grandma?

Well, I hear the news from Austin yesterday is that your grandma isn't Carole Keeton Strayhorn. I'm sure you saw that the Secretary of State ruled on Carole's request to be Grandma on the November gubernatorial ballot and on Kinky's request to be, well, Kinky.

Kinky gets to be Kinky.

Grandma gets to be Carole.

Living out here in Lubbock, all of this political bull is really a mystery to me. (I just don't know how L.D. does that lobbying gig.)

I mean, here you have a woman who wants to be called "Grandma" by everybody. Now most women I know who are of a certain age tend to fudge a little when counting up their birthdays. They are not that exact anymore, if you know what I mean. And even if they are grandmothers, they want to be called something a little less old sounding. You know what I mean? But, here you've got Carole saying, "I'm old. I admit it. Bring it on, call me Grandma."

Well, Mr. SOS-Dude, you totally missed your opportunity to call a woman old. Even worse, you missed an opportunity to call her "tough." How often to you get to point out that a woman is a tough, old broad without being politically incorrect?

And now Grandma is suing your butt. I'm just going to sit up here in Lubbock and watch. It's better than anything they're running down at the picture show.

TFB: Mocha Walnut Cookies Are Just Not What They Used to Be

One of my favorite bakeries/coffee shops is Texas French Bread. Yes, I know it has "French" in the name. Get over it already.

TFB makes one of my favorite cookies: the mocha walnut. These are perfect.

Rather, they WERE perfect. "What happened?" you ask.

Well, the immigration issue hits home for me. In short, about a month ago an immigration raid resulted in the deportation of five of TFB's employees. Turns out they were the bakers. An integral part of the bakery aspect of Texas French Bread.

For days, they didn't even have the mocha walnut cookies. I guess no U. S. citizen or otherwise-documented worker could figure out how to bake them. Then last week, the cookies appeared. But, they just aren't the same. One day, too crisp. Burnt around the edges the next. And so on.

What's a rubber duck to do? Well, Ms. Hippie Duck here started thinking more about the whole immigration issue. In fact, yesterday The NYT has a long article, The Immigration Equation. To paraphrase: The heart of a national debate is evidenced by two very different immigration bills: one, passed by the House of Representatives, which would toughen laws against undocumented workers and probably force many of them to leave the country; and one in the Senate, a measure that would let most of them stay.

Here's what I get out of all of this. Support the House Bill: TFB on the mocha walnut cookies. Support the Senate Bill: Maybe enjoy a moist, perfectly baked mocha walnut cookie.

Technical Difficulties in the Technology Age

Where was L.D. last Friday? Well, we had some technical difficulties. Read: my internet service provider was not providing service to me.

(Now, of course, this begs the question: Where were the guest-duck bloggers? That is a different story. And, besides, I had agreed to do the post for Friday.)

Anyway, back to the internet no-service provider. Thursday night, I was surfing the internet, and it just quit. Just like that. I wait a while thinking, oh well, what the hell. Still doesn't work. I call them. It's midnight by now. They decide they need to make a service call. The dude comes out Friday a.m. And, lo and behold, it's MY COMPUTER problem.

To make a long, sad, frustrating story a short, sad, frustrating story - it wasn't my computer at all. In fact they don't know what it was. Wait, it was a miracle. I was talking to a supervisor late Friday and Ta-Daa! They were back in the business of providing internet service to Lobby Duck.

Bill Frist: Don't Let Anything Stand in the Way of Your Career

Hi. I'm Sheila's other cat. I'm a big, good-natured tabby. I'm generally easy-going and somewhat quiet. But, when I heard about this human, Bill Frist, I just had to speak up.

To say this human doesn't like cats would be an understatement of huge proportion. He lied to shelters and selected homeless cats to experiment on. He killed cats to succeed in medical school. And, he admits it. Unbelievable. He has even written a book about it, Transplant.

In this human's own words, "By night, I was Dr. William Harrison Frist, future cardiothoracic surgeon, who was not going to let a few sentiments about cute, furry little creatures stand in the way of his career." And, he goes on, "I lost my supply of cats. I only had six weeks to complete my project before I resumed my clinical rotations. Desperate, obessed with my work, I visited the various animal shelters in the Boston suburbs, collecting cats . . . it was a heinous and dishonest thing to do."

And to think, the people of Tennessee selected him to represent them in the U.S. Senate, whatever that really means. I mean, would you want a cat killer representing you? (But after all, it is Tennessee we're talking about here.)

There is talk that he is wanting to be selected to be something even better, like President. I'm not so sure I understand how that would work. What would he do to get elected? He has already shown wanton disregard for poor, homeless cats who were just looking for a warm lap, some food, and a little love. All this just to get out of medical school. What do you think he'd do to become President of the United States?

I can just hear it now, "By night, I was Senator William Harrison Frist, future President of the United States, who was not going to let a few sentiments about cute, little creatures stand in the way of his career." And, he goes on, "I was behind in the polls. I only had six weeks before the election. Desperate, obessed with becoming President, I visited the various daycare facilities across the country, collecting children and promising not to experiment on them if their parents voted for me . . . it was a heinous and dishonest thing to do."

I guess I'll never understand some humans.

(Of course, I don't really understand some cats either. Check out this one at www.conservativecat.com. How could any cat in his right mind be conservative?)

(And, thanks to Capitol Annex for bringing this story about this dreadful human to my attention.)

Putting the GOd back in GOVERNMENT

Now, being a layperson with little experience actually working or playing at the capitol, I must accept others' visions of what the whole Texas capitol experience entails.

But, I do know one thing. The prevailing view of our fair capitol is that it is essentially a den of iniquity in which a few truly good people try to overcome the prevailing and rather pervasive silliness and general evil of the other 95% who work there.

No offense to anyone, I guess you know into which category you fall.

For instance, if you've ever had more than two drinks that included some form of hard liquor in your capitol office pondering the bosom of the office bunny intern who you hired to "answer the phones" while your wife and newborn baby are sitting at home and the roast is getting cold -- well, again, you know who you are.

So, I am heartened that these truly good people (from here on out referred to as the "Five Percenters") have formed a haven of spirituality and morality in the midst of all that craven behavior.

Have you heard of www.aroundtherotunda.com?

If not, I recommend you visit the website and check out some of their offerings.

This from their website:

Our belief is that the God who created the heavens and the earth…who accounts for every drop in the ocean and every hair on our heads…is not only a majestic, all-powerful and all-knowing God…but a God who takes a personal interest in the lives He has created.

Some observations:

First, I would rather God would take a more personal interest in my life, because I could use the help. In my experience, he has not shown the level of concern that I would prefer.

Second, this group actually says you will be welcomed despite your party affiliation, thereby making them the only people in the capitol that will still speak to a Democrat.

Third, I don't really get why some of these groups are gender-biased. Some are for "ladies and some are for men? Why? Where I come from, we hook up at church.

Fourth, some of the classes are really, really early. This one, for example:

A women's study on the Books of Proverbs for ladies in the Capitol Complex on Friday mornings at 7 a.m. in Rep. Chisum's office.

I can't go anyway since they aren't accepting men, but 7 a.m. is really pushing it. I'm a Catholic. We prefer our faith at a reasonable hour and make it snappy, you know?

Nevertheless, an excellent pursuit and my hearty kudos to the folks at www.aroundtherotunda.com.

I may just drop by and visit sometime.

I'll be the half-asleep Hispanic rubber duck at the table pondering Leviticus.

-FD

Happy 4th of July!

Is Your A/C Making You Fat?

Why are we so fat?

A team of US public-health experts have studied the issue and reported their findings in the Journal of Obesity. (You know, "experts" have to study everything.)

They caution against blaming what they call the "Big Two" -- a slower lifestyle and modern food marketing. In words that you will understand -- sitting on your fat ass and eating supersized-fast-food meals.

They have found several other factors that may make you fat. Thank goodness. I couldn't possibly be responsible for my jeans being a little to tight.

First, they note that giving up smoking often causes people to gain weight. Now, that can't possibly be your fault, can it? After all, you substituted one habit that was very bad for your health for another - eating too much.

Then there's the old-industrial-chemicals-called-endocrine-disruptors-that-disturb-metabolism excuse. These chemicals encourage the formation of fat. Yeah, McDonald's french fries will do that.

And, you'll love this one. Fat people marry other fat people. These individuals may be genetically vulnerable to obesity and pass that on to their children. Yet one more thing to blame on your parents while you are downing mocha lattes like they were going out of style.

Another hypothesis is that lack of sleep jolts the metabolic system into demanding doses of instant energy. It's not like we're getting less sleep because we are exercising more. But, I can almost buy into this one. A big dose of dark chocolate and a Coke will go a long way to keeping me awake in a dull meeting. After all, it's not my fault that the meeting is so boring.

Then there's my personal favorite. Air conditioning. Yes, you read that right. Your air conditioning is making you fat. Why is this? Because A/C establishes a comfortable temperature zone. In temperatures above this zone, people eat less. The rise in number of air-conditioned homes in the United States virtually mirrors the increase in the US obesity rate.

I'm going to write a new diet book. No exercise is needed. Eat anything and everything you want. Fries. Chocolate. Hamburgers. Cookies. You name it, you can have it. First, just turn off your A/C. The Austin summer will do the rest.

We Don't Need No Stinking Sibling Rivalry

If you're an only child like me, the prospect of reading the cover article in the new Time magazine fills you with both hope and dread.

On the one hand, you're thinking "oh, here we go again. Ignore the one and onlies. Sibling, sibling, sibling, blah blah blah!"

Articles like this never devote any time to the type of children who were so perfect when they emerged from the womb that their parents couldn't possibly ever think of having another one (what do we do with it if the next one sucks?).

Or, if we are hopeful enough to think they might include a few lines about only children in the article, it's some tiny mention in which their so-called "PhD's" try to make us out to be self-absorbed control freaks.

Please.

Sometimes, while I'm in the grocery line trying to blot out the fact that the bagger just plopped the kitty litter on top of my fresh extra-large Grade A's (is there a Grade B egg?), I flip through those "Your Birth Order and What it Means to Your Life" supermarket pamphlets. But, what for?

All I get is a cursory mini-chapter on only children that reads like the FBI profile of a serial killer.

I paraphrase: "Only children can exhibit isolated tendencies, preferring their own company or the company of adults, may be overachievers yet uncomfortable and generally nervous with success and awkward in interpersonal relationships."

Thanks.

Excuse me for spending my formative years reading, thinking deep thoughts and enjoying polite adult conversation over cocktails when apparently I should have been setting my sister's Barbie on fire for a cheap laugh.

-SD