Say it ain't so...

Oh kill me now.

Just when this whole school finance thing was breezing along.

The House was actually having a series of lucid moments and the Senate was breezing by at a brisk clip, THEY CANCELLED SENATE FINANCE because Shapiro wants to add recapture.

Noooooooooo...

Kudos

Truly impressive show this week in the House.

It was like they had all taken a state-sponsored field-trip to Washington, D.C. over the weekend and finally learned how a bill becomes a law or something.

At any rate, kudos to leadership.

Well done.

Also, Monday generated the most-surprising quote of, quite possibly, the decade: "It really helped to have a bipartisan approach out there," said House Speaker Tom Craddick...

Working together for the common good.

Prozac State

Let me introduce myself. I'm Sheila's tuxedo cat. Life is pretty good at Sheila's. She treats me well and all. I eat. I sleep. I chase insects. I sit in the window. I nap. I eat. I sit in Sheila's lap. I eat. You get the idea.

Then a few weeks ago, this neighborhood cat came up to MY window and marked it as his territory. The nerve of this guy.

Well, as you might imagine, this really doesn't work for me. At all. Sheila belongs to me. The window belongs to me. The house belongs to me. The world belongs to me. You get the picture. (I heard Sheila tell her friend that the place she works is full of people that think this way. Something about lawyers or lawmen or law-something-like-that I think.)

So, anyway, I got very, very anxious and pissed off (with a heavy emphasis on the "pissed off" part). (I also heard Sheila say that some of these law-whatevers act this way, too.) Anyway, I had to let that dude know he was out of line. I had to protect Sheila and all my stuff.

Of course, as you might guess, Sheila was not properly appreciative of my efforts to protect her and all of my stuff.

She decided that I must have an illness of some sort, so off to the vet for me. Of course, I was not ill. Then, I heard the vet say something about "something to take the edge off his anxious behavior." What? I'm a freakin' cat. I'm taking care of business here. And this is the thanks I get?

Anyway, I'm now on prozac for kitties. And, you know what? I'm feeling better already. I highly recommend it to those law-whatever-people that Sheila works with. I think they should just go ahead and put it in their water. Just don't tell Tom Cruise.

Statesmanship or something like it...

Uh, yeah, before we get all teary over Monday's spectacle on the House floor, I would again like to call attention to the fact that the Legislature passed a tax bill EVEN IN THE FACE OF MASSIVE BUDGET SURPLUSES.

Unless your idea of government is just raising money for the heck of it, I don't really think that's statesmanship.

But, what do I know, I'm just the guy with the big gas-guzzling SUV.

It's Not Your Grandmother's "Light" Bill

Felipe here again.

I just went to my mailbox and opened my electric bill. You know, the one your grandmother calls "the light bill."

Well, I'm here to tell you, this one is not your grandmother's light bill. And, if it is, she's probably not going to be able to pay it.

It's shocking.

It's electrifying.

And, I just started running my A/C.

I so need that raise!

(LD's note: This photo to the right is what I imagine Felipe looked like when he opened that electric bill. And, please, don't get him started on the high price of gasoline.)

That's One Stinky Problem Solved

I've got wonderful news for Texans. A stinky problem has been solved!

No, it's not the state's property tax problem.

It's the problem of fart-inducing beans!

This means we Texans can eat more beans and fart less!

And, when we're all eating beans because the property tax problem isn't fixed we won't stink up the state!

Check it out here:
Fart-Free Beans

(Mom, my apologies for the bathroom humor, but I just couldn't pass this one up. It was just too easy.)

Addicted to Love, American Style

I'm sure you've noticed the high price of gasoline. Who am I kidding? Only everybody has noticed.

Well, even the President finally noticed and decided somebody needed to look into the windfall profits to the oil companies. Folks, that's a start at least. And, with gasoline fast approaching $3 a gallon, it's about damn time, too.

Apparently for the past four years, the FTC has been actively reviewing prices in many markets. So, like, when was it planning to DO something?

The President also made reference to "America's addiction to oil." Did he just notice this or something? Like, what was his first clue? Buck Duck's huge SUV with the W '04 sticker on it? America loves oil.

I mean I like oil just as much as the next duck, but when gasoline gets to be $3 a gallon here in Austin, I'm going to have to start walking down to the neighorhood coffee shop to get my $3 mocha latte.

And, seriously, I might even have to consider walking the 8 blocks to the gym for my work out.

You Can't Get Nine Women Pregnant to Have a Baby in a Month

Well, I'm dismayed to report that I have broken one of promises that I made myself when I started lobbying.

That is, you can't get nine women pregnant to have a baby in a month. (An aside: No, Mom, I didn't get nine women pregnant. Not even one. Really. )

Some things just take time. And developing a relationship, of any sort, is one of them.

Well, in my eagerness to do a great job for my client, I have pushed myself on a couple of staffers. I really need their support to accomplish my client's goals. I just met them, so I've been calling and dropping by a lot. In short, acting like their best friend.

Now, when I worked for the Senator, I HATED this behavior in a lobbyist. Some dude I just met acting like my best friend got on my last nerve. I mean, come by the office and tell me what you need, but don't act like we are best friends.

Was it easier when the lobbyist and I had a relationship? You bet. But, this takes time, people. (Just wait, and you'll have the darling little duckling.)

And, in my attempt to do a good job, I have ignored the simple fact that you just can't get nine women pregnant to have a baby in a month.

Momma, Don't Let Your Indigo Children Grow Up to Be Lobbyists

Last night I went to dinner with a friend of mine and her family - of children. These two lovely little ducklings were horrible at the restaurant. They didn't want to wait for the food. They screamed. They threw food. They were demanding of the wait staff. In short, this was a freakshow like I hadn't seen in a long while.

I looked imploringly at my friend, "Do something!" my look said. And she goes, "Oh, they're both indigo children. This is to be expected." And, she did nothing. I repeat, NOTHING.

What kind of children? This new phrase is a license to act like a brat?

Where was this excuse when I was a duckling? I can so hear my parents now. "Don't sass me, young lady." Or, "Sheila Anne, get down here right now." And, you knew when they used both of your names, you were really in for it that time.

So, curious about the topic of indigo children (and really not wanting to question my friend about it because I wanted out of there, and I mean, fast), I did what everybody does - when I got home, I googled it. The New York Times even did a piece on it.

So, now that I have researched this new phenomenon. I repeat, "What kind of children?" For your edification, I share with you the results of my research.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the ten attributes that best describe this "new" kind of child, the Indigo Child:

• They come into the world with a feeling of royalty (and often act like it)

  They have a feeling of "deserving to be here," and are surprised when others don't share that.

  Self-worth is not a big issue. They often tell the parents "who they are."

  They have difficulty with absolute authority (authority without explanation or choice).

  They simply will not do certain things; for example, waiting in line is difficult for them.

  They get frustrated with systems that are ritually oriented and don't require creative thought.

  They often see better ways of doing things, both at home and in school, which makes them seem like "system busters" (nonconforming
  to any system).

  They seem antisocial unless they are with their own kind. If there are no others of like consciousness around them, they often turn inward, feeling like no other human understands them. School is often extremely difficult for them socially.

  They will not respond to "guilt" discipline ("Wait till your father gets home and finds out what you did").

  They are not shy in letting you know what they need.

Let's get this straight. Act like royalty. Self-centered. Demanding. Impatient. Exaggerated self-worth.

So, there is nothing "new" about that if you ask me. It is totally a license to act like a brat, or a lobbyist.

Other duties as assigned...that includes drying your hair

I'm going to break my own "no girlie" topics credo right here and now by bringing up something I think everyone can relate to at the capitol--namely, how some people dress.

This won't be a regular column or anything, but I will be weighing in from time to time if I see some particularly ill-advised fashion choice. We'll just refer to these as "capitol fashion foibles."

And, today's subject is: going to work with wet hair.

And, I don't mean 'cause you're late or your hair dryer broke down or you got stuck in a freak thunderstorm. I mean intentionally attending work without even the merest attempt at styling (or drying, even).

When is this ever appropriate (other than if you're the coach of the Olympic swim team)?

These women (and sadly, guys can actually get away with this) look like drowned rats.

Would I wear a button-down shirt to work without buttoning it up and have my bra hang out all morning?

I know. I know what you're all thinking: depends if I work in the House or the Senate...

Next up: too much hair gel--a cautionary tale.

-SD

Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Tailfeathers on your Way Out of Office

Hi there! Felipe here.

What is going on in Austin anyway?

I read LD's earlier post - and if a lobbyist can't figure out what the heck is going on up there, how am I supposed to figure it out?

So, here I sit in Corpus Christi wondering - is this special session about property tax relief? Is it about school finance? Is it about both? Or, neither (as the first two special sessions turned out)?

I see there's a bill out there that would give teachers a $2,000 a year raise. Now, I may not understand all there is to understand about this legislative process, but I could use more cash. Do you know how much (or, really, little) we teachers make? And you are trusting us to teach your kids. Isn't that worth something to you?

I have to tell you. With all due respect to Buck Duck (and, of course, you and I both know that means absolutely no respect). I don't give a duck's tailfeathers about getting property tax relief. Are you kidding? I can't afford to buy a house with my salary.

The Governor has said that money for teacher pay raises must wait for a property tax bill to pass. So, all you legislative types out there - I have some advice. Get it done and get me and all of the other teachers a raise. We deserve it.

With any luck, this special session will be about both. And, if not, well, don't let the door hit you in the tailfeathers on the way out of office. Just ask that Goofydorf dude.

A Little Dose of Reality From Big D

Hey, what's up, it's Buck.

LD made me sound like a Nazi when he introduced me, which I am not. I am a conservative, which I gather from reading the blogs is technically considered worse than being a Nazi.

I also didn't know what the hell a "North Dallas Smoothie" is, but when I Googled it, I was not amused.

I think LD is a West Austin Goofball, in case you're wondering.

At any rate, I'm really glad to be part of this whole thing, because quite frankly, I think I'm needed.

And, more specifically, I'm from Dallas, a real city.

Enough said.

You Austin freaks need some sort of realistic, normal perspective on events going on down there.

Keep Austin Weird. Indeed.

Which brings me to the laws of Buck.

Sit down, cause if you're a liberal, GW hater, you're gonna have a hard time with this...These are the laws that govern the REST of the state of Texas. That is, everything that's not Austin:

1. The Republicans in the Legislature are not acting irrationally or being mean or overstepping their bounds or coming up with unreasonable policy stances. We actually elected them to do the things they are doing (well, most of the time). Yes, we did. Yeah, we know, you're amazed. 'Cause you live in a liberal time-warp bubble house.

2. The free market is the bomb.

3. If you've gotta big surplus, you should give it back to the people, not dream up new ways to spend it.

4. Property taxes are too damn high.

5. Personal responsibility, personal responsiblity, personal responsibility.

Live it.

-BD

Pin the Beak on the Duckie!

Seriously, folks.

You totally need something to do while you are waiting for something to happen at the Capitol. Maybe this diversion will help get you through Friday to the weekend.

Click to:
Pin the Beak on the Duckie!

What in the... or Is anyone steering this ship?

Does anyone have the slightest clue as to what is going on in the Legislature?

I, for one, admit I do not. And I stress that while my grasp on their behavior is always just tenuous at best, this time I'm really bumfuddled.

I think everyone is just sort of tuning out this time around. Let's face it, we've almost got nothing left to give on this issue.

There are, like, 15 bills that are supposed to be important floating around. Chisum's got some and Keffer's got one and another Keffer's got another one and Shapiro has filed something that is supposed to be pivotal and Ogden is trying to do something to the constitution that involves taxes and not paying a lot of same.

The soft R's wanna do one thing; the hard R's wanna do something else, some of the D's are aligned with the soft R's, some of the D's are just making trouble and Al Edwards is concerned about electric rates.

Perry's (Sharp's?) tax bill was one bill--now it's five bills...

We may vote on Saturday or Monday.

There may be a calendar rule, maybe there won't be.

For the love of Pete, is anyone steering this ship??

Those Handy All-Purpose Words

The press made a big to-do over all-purpose words a while back. In particular, President Bush's use of "one heckuva" fill-in-the-blank.

This got me to thinking about other all-purpose words. They are quite handy to have. Take ass. Or, Pink Dome's all-purpose word which I'll not repeat here (as my mother reads my blog).

So, for today's discussion, let's take "ass." How much more all-purpose can you get?

I mean. There's my nickname for my brother - "Dumb Ass Duck." Says it all.

And, there's "piece of ass." I think you get my drift. (And, no, not Sheila Duck. This is not how I think of her. I promise.)

I know all about "kiss ass" - after all, I am a lobbyist. Seriously, this is my specialty.

Take "pain in the ass." Please. (Cheap joke, I know.)

And, don't forget, half-ass. As in "In spite of my half-ass study habits, I still got out of A&M.

Then, then you've got "kick ass."

When I asked Buck Duck to guest-blog, he said, "You bet, LD. You've do one heckuva job with that blog. It is kick ass."

So, I 'm thinking - kick ass - that's good.

But, one heckuva job? Well, Brownie did one heckuva job and we all know what happened to him. Not good.

I'm thinking the Lege will do one heckuva kick-ass job on school finance. Don't you?

Everything But "The Girl"

Well, here goes. My inaugural post to the blog. I probably should write about the special session. But, no. I figure there will be plenty of time for that. Plenty.

When LD asked me to be a guest blogger, I totally knew what he was up to. I've known him for a long time. He needs me to be "the girl."

You know what I mean? Of course you do.

"The girl" is the one who always has to arrange the office parties.

The one who everybody thinks will remember birthdays.

The one who is always asked to take notes in a meeting, just because she is female and attending the meeting.

The one who will not only remember Administrative Professionals' Day, but do something about it. (And, will remember it hasn't been called Secretary's Day since 1999.)

LD wants somebody to blog about the "softer" topics.

Like writing for the Life Styles page.

Like the latest fashion trends.

Like a review of the latest episode of The Bachelor (which, by the way, I have never, ever watched).

Well, LD has everything BUT "the girl." I mean, I'm not even my own "the girl." What was he thinking?

What Fresh Hell Will Today Bring?

Every day I ask myself, what fresh hell will today bring?

Well, if you are me and it is today, I can answer that question.

As it turns out - plenty.

The Legislature convened for 30 days (at least).

It was 100 degrees - in April.

And, then, there were power outages due to the the rolling black outs that were ordered so the state wouldn't run out of electricity.

Now, this wouldn't have been so terrible by itself. But, no. This happened at rush hour. And, guess what people, the traffic lights run on electricity.

You should have seen the traffic. So, this was an inconvenience to ole LD. My generally short commute (I pay dearly to live in Central Austin, you know) was 30 minutes today. THIRTY MINUTES.

Fresh hell indeed.

Getting to know you.....

On this, the first day of our brand-new oh-so-special session, I would like to introduce some fellow bloggers who will be helping me out with my duties here as the voice of the duck population at the capitol.

Why would LD need help when he does such a spiffy job himself?

Good question. "Need" is a strong word. Let's just say I'm bringing in some new blood to spice things up a bit.

And, I figure, if Governor Perry can appoint John Sharp to a tax commission, I can share the limelight a little, too.

So...here they are in no particular order.

Sheila Duck--you will remember her as my ex-girlfriend from my capitol staffer days. She remembers it, needless to say. At any rate, Sheila's a great duck and we just moved past the point where looking at each other made us want to throw up. She's a lobbyist for an association, so she appreciates the art of begging. She doesn't appreciate it in me, however, OR WE'D STILL BE TOGETHER, but anyway, here's Sheila.


Next on the list: Buck Duck. No, I'm not kidding about the name. There are a few things you should know about Buck. Number One: Buck lives in Dallas. So, he's a little...different, if you get my drift. He doesn't appreciate the finer points of the Austin lifestyle, for one. Buck is what one radio station in the Metroplex area refers to as a North Dallas Smoothie. He wears expensive clothes and designer sunglasses and he has a W-2004 sticker still on affixed to his HUGE SUV and he's proud of both of those things. Buck works for a financial services company. Of course he does. I thought he would bring an obnoxious level of conservative expertise to this little project I've got going.

Then there's Felipe. Felipe has dropped the "Duck" from his name, as he feels it is fairly obvious. Felipe is Hispanic. He would like me to stress that he is not an illegal alien and he feels he is currently doing the job that any Anglo would also do, so please do not ask him whether he has a green card or what he thinks of the immigration issue, that is so last week. Felipe is a teacher. Yeah, you knew we were going to get one of those, didn't you...Felipe is appalled with Buck and vice versa. Felipe is also appalled with this whole school finance thing.

Sheila is appalled with all of us.

Should be a good time.

Wait Just One Little Minute!

Wow! Zowie! What a difference a year makes...

Last year at this time, the Legislature was struggling over who should pay their fair share of taxes, Strayhorn was attacking Perry and we had no actual school finance plan.

WAIT JUST ONE LITTLE MINUTE!

Why, we haven't made any progress at all!

Well, I guess that depends on whose definition of "progress" you're using. A certain committee chairman is a lame duck (no pun yadda yadda yadda) this time around. That's gotta be somebody's idea of progress. If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask a teacher.

At any rate, since time seems to have stood still for our friends in the Legislature, let's pretend we never went away, too.

In short, we're back, we're quack...get over it!

Happy 79th third-called special!!