Am I back?

Can you believe it? It's almost time for yet ANOTHER Session of the Texas Legislature. And, yes, I'm getting ready.

You'll note a change - I did away with my website and decided to go with the blog. I'm having to cut costs just like the rest of you. And, frankly, I had just as soon forget my adventures that occurred first session (the 79th) that I was a wet-behind-the ears lobbyist.

Whoo Hoo! Vacation Time!

President Bush does it. Congress does it. Pink Lady does it. And even the Texas Legislature does it (but not often enough the past couple of years).

Sooner or later, everybody does it.

Now, it is Lobby Duck's turn. (The photo should be your first clue.) It's vacation time! This means at least one important thing to Lobby Duck. Beer.

See you right after Labor Day!

(If something important comes up, I'll try to find a computer or maybe one of my guest duck bloggers will check in. If not, for sure after Labor Day, we'll be back and ready to tackle the election and other fun stuff.)

It Ain't Braggin' If It's True

All of you must know that I don't like to brag. Seriously. What lobbyist does? (Oh. Wait. That doesn't sound quite right.)

But, I just have to tell you. Recently, I had an awesome experience in San Francisco. I played golf at the Lake golf course at the Olympic Club. It was awesome. This is where important people play, if you know what I mean. And here I was, playing golf.

I tee off. And, uh oh. Let's just say, my game was nothing to brag about. In fact, it really sucked. What can I say? I obviously need more practice.

Lobby Duck's Believe It or Not!

Only in California. (Or, Austin. According to my dad, Austin really lives in California, if you know what I mean.)

Ladies and gentlemen, in our first Lobby Duck's Believe It or Not!, I present an X-ray of a duck's stomach. And a dead duck's stomach at that. What?

When workers at the Bird Rescue Center in California reviewed the X-ray of this dead duck's stomach, they were shocked to see what appeared to be the head of an extraterrestrial alien. Now, you ask yourself, what is really weird about this? Why would they be making an X-ray of a dead duck's stomach? Seriously. Only in California.

"It looks like a tiny alien in his belly, that's about all I can say," spokeswoman Marie Travers said. "No Elvis sightings that I've heard of yet." Really? I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll see Elvis. Seriously.

As it turns out, when they looked into it (and I mean literally) turns out the alien image was mostly likely a lump of grain. Just a lump of grain? We don't need Mulder and Scully after all? Once again, proving that most things cannot be taken at face value. In life or in politics.

P.S. Thanks to Robyn over at Capitol Crowd for the tip on this story.

Beauty or the Beast?

Baby girls. For Brangelina, Bennifer, and TomKat. And, it's no surprise to evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa.

In fact, good-looking parents are 36 percent more likely to give birth to a girl than less-attractive couples -- which also explains why women are, on average, better looking than men, argues Kanazawa, a professor at the London School of Economics and Political Science.

But why are beautiful people more likely to have girls? Kanazawa's explanation is way complicated. Let's just stick with my attempt to explain this. To continue the species, we must have, uh, let's refer to it as reproduction. And, given that it's a given men value physical attractiveness more than women do when looking for a mate, it's much better for the girls to have the good looks so that a man will chose her and reproduction will continue. Got it? (Yes, I know. Shallow of them, isn't it?)

Whatever. As I've noted before, I'm an only child and a girl. My parents didn't have the "son." Well guess what, Mom and Dad, it's because you are beautiful people. The next time your friends are bragging about their sons, just let them know how sad you are for them that they aren't as good looking as you are.

Yet Another Illegal Alien? Just Super, Man

I was down on Congress Avenue for lunch yesterday. Have I mentioned it was really hot? Unreasonably hot, in fact. Maybe we should start taking this global-warming thing seriously.

Given the temperature, I was amazed to find protesters out at the South entrance to the Capitol. Of course, we all know that the Women in Black show up every Wednesday around noon. Hot or not. (Didn't their mothers tell them not to get out in the August sun dressed in black? Seriously.)

There were also a few guys protesting immigration. I thought this was old news. But, it seems they had just clued in that Superman is from another planet. You got it - you're way ahead of me here - making him (horrors) an illegal alien. And, this is protest-worthy. Even in the August heat.

When President Bush heard about it,he said, "What? We're getting illegal aliens crossing our borders from other planets? That's just super, man. Send in the National Guard!"

Ants, Bloggers, and Lobbyists

Now this dude just simply doesn't have enough to occupy his time. Researcher Colby Tanner, a graduate student at the University of Utah, has found that ants are more aggressive when they think they're part of a larger group. In short, ants that think they are part of a gang are bad asses. I kid you not.

I guess the first obvious question is why would this guy chose this as a research project? I'm not advised.

The next question. How did this dude conduct this research? He kept one set of ants in an environment with a lot of other ants, where they were constantly bumping into each other. Let's call these the city ants. He put a second group of ants in a less populated area, where they had little contact with others. Why don't we refer to these as the country ants.

Then, the researcher had each set of ants fight enemy ants. Seriously. What happened? The country ants were hesitant to fight. However, the city ants were like, "Bring it on." Seems being in close proximity to all of the other ants made the city ants aggressive.

As a guy I used to work for said, "What's the take-away?" To tell you the truth, I don't know why the researcher wasted his time on this project. He could have just studied the behavior of lobbyists during the session.

Or, perhaps the real take-away here is that Mr. Tanner needs to get a life. Dude, become a blogger.

The Golf Game

What does a lobbyist do during the interim? I'm asked that question by many people. (Even my family thinks I just sit on my tailfeathers during the interim.) Well, among other endeavors, I practice my golf game.

A really good lobbyist needs a really good golf game. And to have a really good golf game, you must practice.

Practice, practice, practice. What your mother told you is indeed correct. Practice makes perfect. Well, maybe the inverse is true. Without practice, you won't even be passable, much less perfect.

So, as not to totally embarrass myself, I practice whenever I can. Which is to say, not often enough.

What do I mean when I say "really good golf game?" Well, it's like this. You want to have a respectable score. But, you don't want to have a better score the the legislators with whom you are playing. A delicate balance for sure. Don't embarrass yourself and most certainly don't embarrass the legislator.

And, it should go without saying, that a lobbyist doesn't want to hit a Senator in the head with his golf ball. Dude, take it from me, this just wouldn't be the thing to do. Leave that to the Senator's staff.

P.S. I'll have more about golf later.

What the Mel?

Okay. Okay. So, I know I'm like the last person on earth to notice that Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein are twins separated at birth.

I saw the photos of Mel after his DUI arrest made the news. And I went, "Oh my god." If it hadn't been for his arrest, I'd still be clueless. I mean, seriously, can you tell who is who? Be honest. (Hint - Saddam appears more normal.)

Anyway, Mel was apparently pissed that he got arrested. And he said a few things he'd later regret. I mean. Who'd have thought that this dude was anti-Semitic and sexist? I totally thought he was a religious person and all that. After all, he made that religious movie. Jesus Christ.

“I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable,” the actor-director said without elaborating.

That is to say he did the only honorable thing he could do. He blamed it on the devil.

P. S. And, yes, you are right. We are lazy here at Lobby Duck. Too lazy to come up with a better post for the day.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream

Who doesn't enjoy a big, fat ice cream cone?

There's just one problem. The operative word describing the ice cream cone is "fat." Ice cream, good ice cream that is, is full of fat. It makes you fat. That's right. It really is that simple. Fat.

What if there could be really good ice cream that didn't make you fat? Well, lucky for you, there are new industrial processes which have allowed manufacturers to produce very creamy, dense, reduced-fat ice creams with fewer additives. Awesome. Totally awesome.

These new ice creams use what is referred to as an ice-structuring protein instead of fat. You know. Whatever. It won't make you fat.

Then you get to thinking. Ice-structuring protein? What the hell is that? Sounds harmless enough. Well, you're better off if you just don't ask. It somehow involves a protein cloned from the blood of an eel-like Arctic Ocean fish, the ocean pout.

I really don't know where to start with this. Seriously. Fish blood. And, cloned at that. Dude, a cloned ice cream cone? Where is that bill from last session to ban cloning?

Let Us Pray and Fast

Public officials in my old home town of Lubbock are organizing a day to pray for rain. Mark your calendar for Sunday, July 30.

Mayor David Miller was quick to say "Nobody is going to tell God what to do and what not to do, but we are in a serious drought in West Texas and since he is the man who controls the rain clouds, we're asking him for his mercy and his help."

How dry is dry? Well, so far this year, Lubbock has received about half of its normal 10 inches. In the weeks since June 1, the growing season for cotton, rainfall has been less than an inch, far less than the normal 4 to 5 inches. People, this is a serious problem up there in the panhandle of this great state.

Did I mention that they are planning to fast as well? (That may be taking this whole thing just way too far. But, I guess whatever works for you.) Thank goodness there is no NASCAR this Sunday. Seriously, how could they watch the race without several cold ones? Especially in this heat.

Anyway, officials up in Lubbock have tried prayers before and say they were answered. In January 2004, after a year of drought, the city and county set aside a Sunday to pray for rain and got the second-wettest year since records have been kept. Like I said. Whatever works for you.

Blog Free, and Life is Worth Living

Or, if you are in India, don't blog free. I read that blog websites in India have been blocked by the Indian government. This was prompted by the discovery of a Web site that contained "two impertinent pages."

Two impertinent pages? In the whole country? You've got to be kidding. That's all? Dude, what do these government officials think blogs are for anyway? Bloggers majored in impertinence.

But, these pages were supposedly rife with material containing "extremely derogatory references to Islam."

So, I guess you get the drift. That makes it different. Totally. In India, you can blog free, except when you can't.

All of us at Lobby Duck send our heartfelt condolences to the bloggers in India. Especially to our fellow blogger Manas Garg. This guy (yes, in India) actually has a link to Lobby Duck on his blog, giving us at Lobby Duck an international following. We wish you all the best.

I Hate Lance a Lot

Okay, I know this is unAustin. Unamerican even. And, this will probably make me very unpopular. I'm so sick and tired of hearing about Lance Armstrong I could scream.

I thought to myself, "Thank goodness he's not in the Tour de France this year. I won't have to listen to the press go on and on and on."

Then, last week Lance was over in France. And I was so wrong. The news had to report about it. Oh, spare me, please. Then Lance has to explain that his line about the French World Cup soccer team testing positive “for being assholes” was a joke in a monologue, however weak. Who even heard him say that? Who even cares?

Now don't get me wrong. I admire what Lance has accomplished. But, please. Enough already about him, and about him and Sheryl Crow, and about him, and about his using/not using drugs, and about him.

And, he's so damn smug. When you look at him you just think, "This guy has asshole written all over him." You know what I mean? A little humility could go a long way for this guy.

I mentioned to a friend how much I hate Lance. And, that I really shouldn't even say this aloud. She just laughed and asked me to join the I Hate Lance a Lot Club she and some of her other friends had started. With any luck, maybe it's not too late for me to be a charter member.

Number 1 or Number 2? Dual Action

I recently went to an open house in my neighborhood in Central Austin. The house for sale is new construction and a "green" home at that. (Before you even ask, yes, yes, it is a McMansion.) Of course, the builder took us around and proudly explained how wonderful all of the different "green" features are and why the house is selling for the equivalent of the GNP of a small country.

We get to the bathroom and I notice that the toilet has the flush button on the top of the tank. Odd. Then I notice it has not one, but two, flush buttons. I'm thinking that's rather interesting.

Then. Suddenly. I realize what's coming next. How is this guy going to explain this? How do I get myself into these awkward social situations? I'm thinking at this point, no he won't mention it.

No, looks like I'm wrong, and we are going to have to talk about it. The guy points out the two water saving flush buttons. The first button uses just under one gallon of water and is for situations where you don't need much water. I'm thinking oh my god. Then he says the second button uses about one and a half gallons of water. I'm thinking oh my god, is he really going to say it? Yes, he does. He says it's for situations when you need more water.

Really? And, what would those situations be I wonder? I just nod my head and mumble something about what will they think of next.

I got to thinking more about these toilets and figure they are expensive. So maybe, just maybe that's why the Speaker's new toilets run around $1,000.

Mr. "Think Big"

Have you seen Chris Bell's new television ad? I caught it for the first time yesterday while I was eating dinner. I was so surprised, the spaghetti I was eating fell in my lap.

Apparently bigger is better. You already know that. Let me clarify. Thinking bigger is better. College. Business. Jobs. Children. Future as big as Texas. Watch the ad here.

After watching the ad, I kept thinking it reminded me of something. But, what? Finally, it hit me: Gulliver's Travels: A Voyage To Lilliput.

I can't help but wonder who thought up this idea?